To Run But Never Escape
by Colleen17
Summary: Alternate Universe story-Canon characters and relationships. After an incident that he titles 'IT' John Gage turns away from his once cherished life and friends, unable to cope with his emotions and being alone.
1. Chapter 1

The young man walked, no stumbled, numbly to his car. He looked back at the campsite. To the normal camper nothing looked remiss. To John Gage however, he could see the signs of a fight and the drag marks. He shook as his mind's eye replayed the previous night's violent struggle. He needed to get away, as far away as possible, from this place.

The camp was quickly packed up and stored away in the Rover. It had taken every ounce of his strength and by the end he was not only shaking violently but sweating profusely. His ripped shirt was soaked through and clung to his battered body. He jumped into the driver's seat, wincing as his backside made contact with the seat. His breathing increased and his eyes burned as the pain reminded him of what had been done to him. He gulped and forced himself to slow down his breathing.

Shaky hands placed keys in the ignition and started the Rover. Both hands gripped the steering wheel so tight that his knuckles turned white. He steered the truck down the dirt road away from the campsite that he could no longer refer to as his peaceful escape. He knew he could never return here; he wasn't sure if he could ever return to these mountains. As he drove away he let the distance push the memories of the previous night into the deepest voids of his mind.

As the stoical figure approached the apartment, he faltered. They had gone through his wallet, taking what little cash he had and they would have seen his address. He quickly turned around looking for moving shadows. He tried his door before putting his key in the lock. He opened the door slowly, stepping back when it was fully open. The apartment was quiet. After looking both ways in the hallway he entered his apartment and quickly shut and bolted the door.

John paced up and down his living room trying to work out what to do next. What was once his sanctuary was now oppressing, being alone made him nervous to the point of panicking. He couldn't stay, they knew his address. They could come anytime and do….IT…..again. 'IT', he didn't know what else to name what happened to him. 'IT' that will forever change him. He took a deep breath and made a decision. Clothes were quickly packed. Precious items were boxed. The Rover was packed up and he drove away, constantly checking his rear vision mirror for following cars. He sighed with relief when he pulled up into a busy parking lot of a supermarket. He somehow felt safe being in a very public place. Isolation was his enemy.

Taking calming breaths, John Gage got his thoughts together as to what to do next. He needed somewhere to stay, far away from his apartment, in case they came looking for him. That's what they had told him they would do after they did…IT…to him. Thinking about…IT…made his eyes burn and his body shake. He felt like he was going to fall apart into a million pieces. A lady walking past his truck gave him an odd look. John wiped the back of his hand under his nose. There was blood mixed in with the mucus. He suddenly realised he had not cleaned up after…IT.

He started up the Rover and drove towards the nearest truck stop. He grabbed his jacket, pulled the hood over his head, and quickly walked to the rest room, bowing his head to keep prying eyes away. He was lucky, no one was in there. He looked in the mirror; not only was his nose sluggishly bleeding but his lip was swollen and split. His left eye was bruised and swollen also. He noticed the back of his hands were also bloody. He quickly washed up, wiping away all the visible remnants of the night before. He became conscious of his clothing; he was still wearing the ripped shirt. He needed not only to change but to shower desperately.

Exiting the rest room he looked down the road and saw a Motel 6. Perfect he thought, cheap and clean, and far away from his apartment. He parked around back. He felt safer knowing his car was not visible from the highway.

Johnny stood in the shower and as the hot water washed away the dry blood on his body all the emotions from the night before hit him. He found himself sobbing and shaking uncontrollably. 'Why?' kept flashing in his mind. He felt like the walls of the shower were crushing him. The water turned cold and brought him out of his stupor.

John dried his body and then began to take note of his injuries. Bruises covered his torso. Some of the bruises were handprints. Hands pushing and pinning him to the ground flashed in his mind. His ribs, although sore were not broken. His face was a mess. He noted that he needed ice for the swelling. He looked down his body to his crutch. One of his testicles was swollen. He was badly bruised on the inside of his thighs. Blood trickled down his leg. He gently pushed the towel between his backside cheeks causing his breathing to increase because of the pain. He pulled the towel away and checked it. A large patch of blood was visible. He knew then that he needed a doctor.

Swallowing, trying to keep his stomach in place, he grabbed the phone. "Can you give me the address of the nearest doctor's clinic?" Johnny waited patiently for the receptionist to reply.

He quickly wrote down the address. He placed some gauze between his cheeks and quickly dressed. Grabbing his keys and wallet he made a hasty exit. The clinic was only five minutes away. When he entered, he counted five waiting patients. The receptionist was pleasant and had John fill out some forms. He gave the motel as his address but changed it, because of his insurance, to his apartment's address. He intended to move out anyway, so they would have difficulty finding him. He was told to take a seat.

An hour later he finally saw the doctor. The doctor took in his appearance and when asked to check his backside for injuries the doctor gave a knowing look. John tried to stay calm and distant, with the doctor. He told himself that since the doctor didn't know him then he couldn't pass judgement on him. Even if he did John didn't care. He just wanted to get his injuries seen to and then he could go back to the motel and sleep.

The doctor told him there were no tears, just lacerations. He applied some ointment. The doctor looked at the young man sitting on the chair with compassion. "You need to talk to someone about what happened. Judging from your injuries it was not consensual."

John sighed; he clasped his hands to stop them from shaking. His eyes burned and his throat felt like it was closing up. He took several deep breaths to calm his shattered nerves. "I'll be ok….I…I just need some time….and sleep." John couldn't look the doctor in the eye knowing he knew…IT…had happened.

"Take this with you and read it. You need to talk to someone." The doctor handed him a pamphlet. John took it and nodded but kept his head bowed. He hoped the doctor had not seen the stray tears that escaped before he was able to wipe them away. He felt a hand on his shoulder. "You need to talk to someone," he reiterated.

John nodded and took the pamphlet and prescription for the ointment from the doctor and left the small room. His backside hurt from the examination but he knew it would ease once the ointment did its job.

John curled up in bed and allowed the mild painkillers, the doctor had also prescribed, to take him away into a hopefully dreamless sleep. He had one more day off before returning to work. Ice had reduced the swelling of his lip, eye and testicle. He had kept his dinner down which was a large container of mashed potatoe and gravy from the KFC that was located next door to the motel. Noise from the highway was a godsend; it reminded him he was alive and not totally alone.

John woke up the next morning relieved he had slept through the night without dreaming. He made some instant coffee and sat down and read through the pamphlet the doctor had given him. It was from a Crisis Centre but it was aimed at males. He knew from his paramedic training that he did need to talk to someone but every time he thought about…IT…he felt the on comings of pure panic.

John then thought about work. He could never tell them what happened, not even Roy. He felt his face flush with embarrassment. He was not the same man who had left last shift and had been changed forever. 'Maybe it's time to move on,' he thought. They will find me if I stay. John left the motel and made his way back to Carson. He found another Motel 6 about an hour from the station.

The Johnny Gage who walked into the station at 7.45am the next day looked the same, apart from the bruises, on the outside but, was a very different man on the inside. The carefree spirit had been broken beyond repair and his very essence polluted. He had made decisions that would change friendships and breakup the efficient team of station 51's A-shift.

Roy was the first to notice the bruises. "What happened to your face? I called several times yesterday but there was no answer."

Johnny put his extra shirts in his locker and sat down gently on the bench to change his shoes. "I tripped and fell when I was hiking. It's no big deal. I'm fine." Johnny spoke without emotion and without looking at Roy. For all he knew, Roy could have left the locker room and he would have been none the wiser.

Roy frowned; something was not right with his partner. He seemed detached. "Did you see a doctor?"

"Yes." Johnny closed his locker and left. Roy wasn't buying it. His partner looked like he had been in a fight.

It didn't take long for the entire crew to notice the aloofness of their youngest crew member. Johnny looked through job notices in other states. One in Colorado caught his eye. It was Chet who caught the paramedic looking through the notices.

"You're not thinking of leaving us are you Gage?" Johnny looked up, surprised he hadn't noticed Chet looking over his shoulder. Having his crew mates around him made him feel safe but up close in his personal space made him very nervous.

"I'm just seeing what's out there." Johnny ignored the lineman and kept reading but concentrating on keeping his breathing calm. Roy came in on the end of the conversation; he frowned at his partner's comment.

"What exactly are you looking for?" Roy asked his partner.

"A new job." Chet quickly answered.

Johnny scowled at Chet for answering a question directed at him. Roy was waiting for his partner to deny the lineman's statement.

"Well?" Roy looked directly at his partner and frowned at the young man's apathy. It was as if his partner didn't care he may hurt his friends for thinking of leaving. "If I'm going to need a new partner, I'd like to know Johnny. Were you going to even tell me?"

Johnny shrugged his shoulders and changed his sitting position. The hard kitchen chairs irritated his backside. He stood and cleared his throat. "I was just looking." He said meekly; the tension in the room was making him nervous. He looked at his watch and saw it was time to apply more ointment. "I'm just going to the bathroom." He made a hasty retreat giving Roy a wide birth.

Roy watched his partner leave. He nearly stopped him but changed his mind. He could see that the young man was nervous. Everything was off about his partner. Chet was shaking his head.

"You need to talk to him Roy. Something isn't right about Gage. Do you think he's in trouble? Maybe he owes someone money."

"I don't know Chet. Something is definitely not right." Roy went to the cupboard to get a cup. He pulled two down and poured his partner a cup of coffee. The klaxons sounded sending the squad out to a woman down. She had broken her ankle and hit her head.

"Do you mind if I travel in the ambulance?" Johnny asked his partner.

Roy was a little surprised but stepped out of the way allowing his partner to enter the ambulance. He banged the doors as they closed and watched the ambulance drive away. Johnny sighed with relief when he sat down in the ambulance. He didn't want to be alone. Having people around him made him feel safe.

Dixie did a double take at Johnny's appearance. "That's some shiner you've got there."

"Yeah." Johnny looked down at the floor and tried to evade further conversation. He looked around the hospital, avoiding Dixie's glare. He saw Roy walking up and hoped they could make a speedy exit.

"What happened to your partner….He's not telling me anything?" Dixie asked Roy as he approached the desk. Images of the struggle flashed in Johnny's mind and he found himself becoming panic stricken.

"I'll meet you out in the squad. Bye Dix." The quietness of the young paramedic's voice sent off alarm bells for both Roy and Dixie. Roy saw tears in his partner's eyes and it worried him.

"I don't know what's wrong with him Dix. He said he tripped but I'm not buying it." Roy rubbed his hand over his face.

"Do you think he's in some sort of trouble?" Dixie asked showing her concern for Johnny.

"Chet asked the same thing. I just don't know. He's not himself. There's something just below the surface….a sadness….I just don't know." Roy sounded defeated to Dixie.

"Don't give up on him Roy. I think he really needs a friend." Roy nodded and headed towards the squad. He found his partner standing near the entrance looking off into the distance. He couldn't be sure but he thought he saw his partner's hands shake.

"You ready to go Junior?"

Johnny looked up at his partner and was overwhelmed. The friendship behind the nickname made his heart skip a beat. He felt so unworthy of Roy's friendship; he felt a deep sadness. Everything was being taken away from him because of…IT.

Roy saw the deep sadness in his partner's eyes and wanted to reach out to him. Something was terribly wrong. Johnny nodded and walked over to the squad. When Roy sat in the driver's seat he asked, "Are you alright Johnny?"

"Yes." His partner's small voice gave away his emotional turmoil. Roy was at a loss as to how to get his partner to open up. Maybe he just needed time to work things out for himself. Johnny had a way of solving problems by running them over in his mind. Time…that's what he would give his partner and hopefully he would either solve it or come to him for advice.

Roy would come to regret that decision.

When shift ended Johnny left and made his way to a diner about two hours' drive from the station. The parking lot was busy with many people coming and going. 'My kind of place,' Johnny thought.

He purchased a paper on his way in. The young paramedic, as he entered the dimly lit restaurant, looked around the diner and checked out all of the patrons. No one resembled 'them'. The waitress noticed his hesitancy, "Are you just going to stand there blocking the doorway….or are you going to come in?"

Johnny cleared his throat and quietly answered, "Sorry…..I'll just sit here." He slid into a booth that had a good view of the door.

The waitress dropped a menu on the table and offered coffee to Johnny. He thanked her and glanced over the menu choosing toasted fruit loaf. He then opened the paper, looking up whenever anyone entered the diner, and checked interstate job vacancies. Construction work seemed to be in abundance. He thought his rescue work would be an advantage; highlighting he wasn't afraid of heights. Hopefully that would make up for his lack of experience. He ate his food, paid and tipped the waitress, and made a hasty retreat.

He found a cheap hotel near the airport. The noise from the airport and passing traffic calmed his nerves. After making several interstate phone calls he had secured a job in Denver. His next step was to resign and move out of his apartment, paying off any outstanding bills.

Johnny never gave a second thought to how this would affect his friends. IT….dominated his thoughts and how he needed to get as far away from Los Angeles….California….as fast as he could. He looked at his beloved Rover; they had seen and searched through his car while…IT…was being done to him. "Time to trade you in my old friend."

Johnny checked out a few 2nd hand car dealers and soon found a pickup truck he liked. $100 exchanged hands and Johnny was soon the proud owner of a 1969 Ford pickup. He drove to HQ and formally handed in his resignation. "Your cheque will be ready tomorrow morning at 10am Mr Gage."

"Thankyou." Johnny turned and left the building with a heavy heart. He loved his job but…IT…had made it impossible for him to continue doing it. He could only imagine the reactions of his friends, but he would never see those reactions. He was taking the cowards way out and running away from…IT. He thought of Roy and of how hurt he would be, but Johnny couldn't face him and tell him why. To have his best friend look at him through different eyes would shatter him into a million pieces all over again. It would be almost like…IT…happening again. He convinced himself that the clean break was best for everyone. The old Johnny Gage didn't exist anymore so his friends, although hurt by his actions, would get over it and go on with their lives.

"Hello." Roy answered his phone hoping it was his partner.

"Roy….I'm afraid I have some bad news." Captain Hank Stanley had been informed by HQ that his junior paramedic had resigned, effective immediately. The reason given was urgent personal matters. "What the hell is your partner thinking Roy? He's resigned."

Roy sighed into the phone. "I've tried calling….I even drove over to his apartment and let myself in….only to find that he hadn't been living there for a few days. All his clothes and personal things like photos were gone." Roy sat down feeling utterly defeated.

"There's one window of opportunity Roy. Johnny has to pick up his final cheque tomorrow at 10am. You could just happen to have HQ business at that time and hopefully run into him." Hank intended to be there also and try to talk some sense into his youngest crew member.

"I'll be there and I'll keep trying his number, although I doubt he'll answer it even if he was there. Thanks for letting me know Cap." Roy felt like someone had reached in and torn away part of his soul. Johnny was too good a friend to let walk out of his life, especially this way. The deep sadness he had seen in his partner's eyes had broken his heart; it was as if his friend had given up on life.

Roy entered HQ at 9.30am and found a very solemn Captain Hank Stanley standing waiting for him. "Cap?"

Roy had a very bad feeling; his heart skipped a few beats when his Captain shook his head. "He's gone Roy. He left a deposit slip with the pay clerk asking her to deposit it into his bank account when she did the banking today."

Roy felt like a cloak of ice had wrapped itself around him. He looked up, "Didn't he leave a forwarding address…or something?"

"He left the phone number of his Aunt and said she would take any messages for him." Roy stood with his mouth open. Disbelief left him numb; his best friend was gone. Anger took over.

"Why? Why would he leave without as much as a goodbye? I don't understand." Roy was almost shouting but Cap had been ready for this, having just gone through the same emotions himself.

"Unfortunately there is only one person who can answer that and he's gone. By the way…..your new partner…..will be Gus Branigan."

"Thanks Cap…I know Gus…Thanks." Cap shook his head as he watched a very despondent Roy DeSoto leave. He followed his senior paramedic out of the building and watched him drive away.

Roy found himself at Johnny's apartment. He opened the door with his key and was greeted with an empty apartment. On the kitchen bench he found a note addressed to him.

_Roy,_

_I'm sorry I've taken the coward's way out. I just couldn't tell you I was leaving face to face_. _I had no choice about leaving. Please believe me. I'm afraid the Johnny Gage you knew is dead so I figured the clean break was best for all. Please let the guys know I'm sorry I never said goodbye but it's best they just forgot about me._

_I'm sorry Roy. I love you man. You're the best friend I ever had and the closest thing to a brother I ever had, but as I said that man you called your friend no longer exists so it's best you forget about me. I'll be fine, eventually, but it's going to take some time. Maybe one day I will be able to come back and tell you what happened._

_For now this is goodbye, I'll miss you. Be safe._

_Johnny._

Roy looked over the letter and saw water marks that looked like tear drops on the paper. Roy looked up and blinked away his own tears. "What happened to you Johnny? What could have been so terrible that you couldn't talk to me about it and that you had to leave your life and friends behind?" Roy looked around the apartment one last time; this was his last connection to his friend. He handed the spare key to the landlord and asked if Johnny had left a forwarding address. The address was that of Johnny's Aunt. His friend had certainly made a clean break. His Aunt was elderly, senile and lived in a home. If they had his forwarding address, there is no way they would give it to him.

It was a sad day when A-shift returned for duty. The shift's spirit was missing. The grape vine spread the word and soon rumours of gambling, money troubles spread. Johnny's real friends never took notice of the rumours but they did wonder what it was that drove their friend from their lives. Roy found it hard to call Gus his partner but as days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months life went on as normal without the man they called, Johnny Gage.


	2. Chapter 2

John found the perfect house to rent. It was located on a busy road and backed onto land owned by the airport. He had noise coming from the front and back of the house. The rent was cheap because of its location. After some time, the owner offered to sell it to him. He saw how well John looked after the house and thought that he might take it off his hands.

He told the owner he'd consider it. John had only been in his job a few months. He hadn't made up his mind if he was going to stay. He still feared 'they' would find out where he moved and come looking for him. He missed his job, friends and most of all he missed Roy. What he had lost overwhelmed him some days. It was those days he would go and sit in a busy mall and watch the world go by. The noise would surround him and remind him that he was still alive.

John was having one of those anxious days where everything was pressing in on him, crushing him. His hands shook and his breathing was laboured. Tears welled in his eyes as he tried desperately to get his breathing under control. He had walked past a bar and had been assaulted with the smell of stale beer. He was taken back to that night when…IT…happened. He could still smell their breaths of stale beer and cigarettes. He did the one thing that always helped.

He found a phone booth and called the one number he knew off by heart. "Hello." The calming voice of his partner always soothed his soul. When his breathing finally calmed he heard Roy say, "Is that you Johnny?" He so badly wanted to answer him but couldn't. He opened his mouth to speak but the fear and agony paralysed him. He reluctantly hung up the phone and slowly walked back to his house.

John knew he couldn't keep going on like this. Calling his best friend and not talking to him was tearing him up inside. If Roy knew it was him, he could only imagine what it was doing to him. He finally made the decision to reach out to the local crisis centre. He met a man around Roy's age. His mannerisms reminded him a lot of his former partner. At first John found it hard to say anything but Jack knowing his job well, was able to calm the young man and get him to at least sit and share a coffee with him.

John's hands shook as he took the offered cup of coffee. "It's alright you don't have to tell me anything. We can just sit. I'll tell you a little about the centre." John nodded but was finding it hard to sit still. It was too quiet in the centre.

"Is there somewhere a bit noisier? I…I…can't stand the quiet." John asked and looked around for an escape.

"Sure…the recreational room is always noisy. Follow me." Jack led John to a large room where some young men were playing pool and an older set of men were playing checkers. Jack pointed to a couch for John to sit. The young man sat and listened to the banter between the pool players, reminding him of his friends back at station 51. Jack noted the forlorn look on the young man's face.

"Remind you of somewhere or something?" John looked at Jack and nodded.

"Where I used to work. Me and the guys used to banter a lot. I miss that….I miss them." John clasped his hands begging them to stop shaking. His breathing became erratic as his eyes burned.

Jack reached out. "It's alright John."

John jumped up. "No it's not alright…I lost everything! It's not alright." He whispered the last words. John stood with his head bowed. He started to shake his head. "I have to go…it's…it's too quiet. I need to go." John quickly turned, almost falling over and ran through the centre and out onto the street. He was breathing heavy and felt panicked. Next door there was a small construction site. He walked quickly towards it and held onto the wire mesh fence trying to calm his breathing. The noise from the digging machine filled his ears. He felt his heart rate slow down as he took deep calming breaths.

Jack placed his hand on the young man's shoulder. "Are you alright John?"

John shook his head. "No. I'll never be alright."

Jack sighed and searched his mind for the right words for this troubled man. "I know it seems like that but with time and patience it will get better. I can help you. Give yourself a chance John. I'm willing to help if you'll let me."

"I feel like I'm slowly drowning." John said with a shaky voice. He was on the verge of breaking down.

"Then take my hand and let me guide you to the surface." Jack reached out. John looked at Jack's hand and so desperately wanted to take it.

"I cccan't." John squeezed his hands into fists.

"John I want you to listen to me. I've been where you are now. Felt exactly the same way."

"What did you do?"

"I reached out to a friend who was willing to help me. It took a long time and I'm not gonna lie to you, it wasn't easy, but I got to the surface and started to breathe again…..to live again." Jack placed his hand on Johns clasped hands and gently separated them. "I can do that for you if you'll let me." John looked at his hand being held by Jack and calmed with the contact."How about I drive you home?"

John nodded. "I am kind of tired." He allowed Jack to guide him to his car and drive him to his house. The older man noted how noisy it was but didn't comment. John shrugged his shoulders and said, "It's cheap." Jack nodded understandingly.

"Can you come by the centre tomorrow and talk?" Jack asked leaning over towards the open passenger window.

John lent down and spoke through the open window. "After work…about 4.30."

"Good I'll meet you in the rec room." John stood back and watched the car drive away. He watched a plane come in to land. He entered his house and opened all the windows. The surrounding noise filled the house giving the young troubled man comfort.

Roy moped around the house. He was sure Johnny was on the other end of the line. He could feel him reaching for him through the phone. _'Damn Junior….please let me help you. Where are you?'_ He sighed, pulled a beer from his fridge and sat on his deck. It had been three months but he still felt a connection with his former partner. Their friendship was too close to be severed so easily. _'I'll wait Junior. When you're ready I'll be here for you.' _He pulled Johnny's note from his wallet and read it for the hundredth time. Tears formed in his eyes when he read the heart felt words of _I love you man. You're the best friend I ever had and the closest thing to a brother I ever had._ Roy felt the same way but he never got to tell Johnny.

When the stars started to appear Roy looked up at them hoping Johnny was doing the same. He sent a heartfelt message to the stars to deliver to the young man. _'I love you too Junior. Please be safe wherever you are.' _The older man entered his home with a heavy heart. He drew strength from his family and wished that in time another member of his family would return.

John slept and felt a warmth envelope him. He had taken the first big step to hopefully recovering, by going to the crisis centre. Jack's uncanny resemblance to Roy encouraged him to go back. If Jack had the same integrity as Roy then just maybe he could help him. He could only hope and trust.

Roy entered the kitchen of the station and poured himself a cup of coffee. Chet looked up from the paper and observed the paramedic. "Did you get another phone call Roy?"

Roy sighed and looked into his cup of coffee and nodded. "It's so frustrating. I can feel him reaching on the other end of the line. I just….I just wish that I knew where he was and that he was safe." Roy sat down heavily into the seat across from Chet. There wasn't anything Chet could say to help the paramedic because he felt the same way.

Chet returned to his reading. A story on the second page caught his attention. "Hey Roy….Did you see this. A young couple were attacked at Millard Falls Campgrounds. Isn't that where Johnny liked to go?"

"Yeah…That was one of his favourite spots." Roy smiled as he thought of his young friend hiking in the San Gabriel Mountains.

"Says here the woman died after being raped and beaten. Her husband was tied to a tree and forced to watch as she was continually raped. It also says there have been other reported incidents over the past two years. Victims, both female and male, are reluctant to press charges because of threats from the assailants. Addresses were easily obtained by the assailants after going through the campers personal effects. After stealing their cash the assailants beat and sexually assaulted both male and female victims. This is the first reported death. Police are advising all campers to be cautious whilst camping in the mountains and are advised to not camp in remote areas alone."

"There are some bad people out there." Both men spared a thought for the husband. "I hope they catch them." Chet nodded in agreement and moved on to the next story of interest, not realising they had unlocked the mystery of their young friend's sudden disappearance.

John worked on the construction site, where he quickly made friends, in silence. His co-workers, from the beginning, had sensed a deep sorrow in the quiet young man and felt a need to protect him. They respected his hard working ways and invited him to get togethers' after work. John declined the offers since most of them were to the local bar not far from the site.

Since…IT…he had not been able to drink or handle the smell of beer. It made him sick to his stomach and sent him spiralling into the memories of that night when…IT…happened. He had joined them on a couple of bowling nights but again the smell of beer that his co-workers drank while playing made John nervous and sent him to the bathroom. His only saviour was double mint gum; the taste and smell keeping his nerves under enough control to at least finish the game.

John finished up for the day and made his way over to the crisis centre. Jack was sitting with two mugs of coffee in the Rec Room. The young man smiled at the older man and felt a twinge of regret when the image of Roy holding out a mug of coffee flashed in his mind.

"You were that certain I'd come?" John asked as he approached Jack.

"I was hoping for some pleasant company." John smiled at Jack's reply and saluted the mug of coffee at the older man. He took several sips before sitting down. He observed a couple of young men playing their acoustic guitars and three others playing pool.

"Is it noisy enough for you?" Jack asked after watching the young man peruse the room.

"Yes….I haven't been able to stand the quiet since…." John stared off into the distance visualising another time.

Jack didn't push. He let the younger man speak without pressure. "Was your previous job noisy?"

John smiled and gave a slight chuckle. "It could be….I was a fire-fighter/paramedic. Some fires could be deafening whereas others could have an eerie silence. That's when you needed to be very aware of your surroundings."

"Why's that?"

"Flashover. The air would change and the smoke would suck away and there would be this deafening silence. You knew the building was about to flash." Jack watched John ponder through his memories. In the last few minutes he had learnt a lot about the troubled man sitting next to him.

Jack chose his questions carefully. "Do you miss it?"

Again a deep sadness shrouded the young man. "Yes." John whispered. "But I can't go back. They would find me." Jack saw John's hands shake and placed his hand on John's clasped hand to anchor the young man. John looked at Jack's hand and then brought his head up. "It's been over three months but it feels like it only happened yesterday. I feel like I'm dying inside."

Jack nodded understandingly. "When something bad happens to you….something as bad as I suspect happened to you….it takes a long time to recover. Each day you take small steps, unfortunately some of them will be backwards, but each day you try to move forward and find a little contentment….satisfaction…in that day and hold onto it."

"Like finding you to talk to."

"Yes, that's one of those small steps forward. To see you smile is a small step for me." John half smiled at that comment. "Will you come back and talk some more?"

"Yes I'd like that." John stood and glanced over at the guitar players. "Will they be here?"

"They can be….How about Friday? Same time?"

John looked up at Jack. "I'd like that." Jack gave the younger man a slip of paper.

"That's my phone number. Anytime you need to talk."

"Thank you." John pulled out his wallet and tucked the piece of paper behind a photo. Jack saw that the photo was of John, with slightly longer hair, smiling with his arm around another older man in the same uniform, also smiling. "I'll see you Friday."

Jack watched the young man leave and sighed. One of the guitar players approached him. "Did it work?"

Jack smiled, "Yes. He asked if you would be back for his next visit."

"He's a smart man. Saw right through you."

"Yes he did….and yes he is a very smart man. He used to be a fire-fighter/paramedic. Something very bad must have happened to make him give that up."

"Well if anyone can help him you can. I've seen you bring many people back to the land of living. I'm proof of that." Jack smiled.

"Was that a new song you were working on?" The two men walked over to the other guitar player, while John drove to his house feeling slightly more contented than he had in the past few months.

As he entered his house and automatically opened the windows he thought back over the talk with Jack. He had taken a small step forward but knew he could just as easily take a step backwards. It was going to be an uphill battle but for now he was satisfied with the forward step. He fixed his supper and sat out back and watched and listened to the planes.

John looked up to the sky and just as his partner had done the night before watched the stars make their appearance. He sent a silent prayer up to the spirits to keep his friends safe. 'God I miss you Roy.' The frank statement made his heart ache. The young man sat in silence letting the noise from the airport keep his soul calm.


	3. Chapter 3

John kept his promise and met with Jack regularly, taking small steps forward and a couple back. He found he was able to cope with sudden onsets of panic easier by following some simple exercises Jack had taught him. He still had not told the older man what had happened to him and he knew it was holding him back.

Jack had decided to push John a little harder. "So tell me, why did you leave your fire fighting life for a life in construction?"

John looked up in surprise. "What?"

"I said why did you leave your fire fighting life for a life in construction?" Jack tried to remain calm with his approach but he could see that his question had caused John to suddenly pale. The young man kept opening and closing his mouth, unable to speak. "Ok…you say you miss your old life and that you miss…Roy?….yet you haven't said why you left. You do understand that you need to tell me what happened before we can move on." Jack placed his hand on the distressed young man's shoulder. "You told me you felt like you were drowning….well at the moment you are just treading water and in order to reach the surface you need to confront…IT…as you call it."

John knew Jack was right but he found his throat closing up on him leaving him mute. "John? Come on follow the exercises I taught you. John, slow down your breathing." Jack grabbed the young man's head and pushed it between his knees. "Slow you're breathing John." When he thought the young man had gained control of his breathing he allowed him to sit up. Colour had returned to his face.

"Feeling better?"

"Yes….I'm sorry….just thinking about…IT…" Johnny wiped his nose with his sleeve.

"You need to talk about it….its eating you up inside." Jack said gently.

"That's what the doctor…who treated me the next day said…That I needed to talk to someone….I wanted to, but when I try to talk I feel paralysed and can't speak. I know in here…" John pointed to his heart, "that I need to talk about it….but I just can't."

"You need to find a way….If you had a secret to tell…who would be the first person you would tell?"

John looked up and said without hesitation, "Roy."

"Roy was your paramedic partner?"

"Yes. He's my best friend…I love him like a brother and I trust him with my life."

"Ok….then you need to tell him and if he is your best friend he won't judge you…he won't blame you….and I bet he'll want to help you."

"I…I couldn't tell him….ever."

"Why?"

John tried several times to say something but couldn't find an answer. "I don't know. I guess I'm too scared to tell anyone."

"John if this happened to Roy, would you want him to tell you and would you want to help him?"

"Oh God yes!" Jack smiled, as John processed what he had just said.

"Don't you think you should give Roy the chance to help you?" John lent over and put his head in his hands. He felt suddenly tired; all his emotions were draining his strength. Jack placed his hand on the young man's back. "Why don't you call him and ask him to come to Denver and I'll stay with you when you tell Roy?"

"I know you're right….I just don't know if I can do it."

"Put yourself in Roy's shoes and you'll be able to go through with it. Trust me…I know."

John looked up and nodded. "Ok….I'll call him now."

"Good. Use the phone in the office. Leave the door open and it won't be so quiet."

John dialled the all too familiar number. "Hello."

He took a deep breath and did as Jack had said; he put himself in Roy's shoes. "Hey Pally."

"Johnny….It's so good to hear your voice. Are you alright?"

"I'm getting there. I need to ask a big favour."

"Anything Junior…I've been waiting for you." John heard the sincerity in Roy's voice.

"I need you to come to Denver. I have something important to talk about. I really need you." Johnny's voice cracked. He took a few calming breaths and blinked away the forming tears.

"Say no more Junior. I'll book the plane as soon as I hang up. Do you have a number I can reach you to let you know my flight details?"

"How about, I call you back in half an hour." Johnny didn't have a phone in the house.

"Sure Johnny….whatever you want….It's so good to hear from you….I've missed you."

"I've really missed you Roy. It's been hard…I've wanted to talk to you so badly. Listen I'll let you go and make that booking. Talk to you in about thirty minutes."

"Sure Johnny. Hear from you then. Bye."

"Bye." Johnny put the receiver down.

Jack had poured him another coffee. "Drink this…you'll feel better."

"Roy's going to book a flight. I'm going to call him back in half an hour and get his flight details. He told me he had been waiting for me to call him."

"You have a good friend there John."

"The best." John's voice cracked, he quickly took a sip of his coffee.

"It's going to be alright. You'll see." Jack reassured the young nervous man. John nodded and sat back; he replayed the phone conversation in his mind. Roy had sounded genuinely pleased, no relieved, to hear from him. He just hoped after he tells him his story that he would still feel the same way about him.

Jack let John gather his thoughts. This had been a huge step for the young man; he was looking forward to meeting Roy and hoped he was the best friend John believed in. They sat in silence and when the thirty minutes was up, Jack gave John a nudge. "Time to call back."

"Thanks." John walked back into the office and made the call. Roy had secured an early flight. He would be arriving in Denver at 8.30am. John took down the flight details and told Roy he would be waiting for him.

"All set?" Jack asked.

"Yes…He gets in at 8.30am. I'll bring him to the centre around 10 if that's alright with you?"

Jack slapped John on his back. "Perfect….and don't worry….trust me and trust your friend. Everything will be ok….we'll just take it slowly."

"Thanks Jack….for a lot of things…..but for especially getting me to make this move. I'm scared but I'm also excited to see Roy."

"I understand. Everything will be fine, you'll see. Now go home and get some rest." The men shook hands before John left. He tried not to think about the upcoming conversation, he concentrated on seeing Roy again. He had to believe his courage and the strong bond he had with Roy would get him through the next day, because if it didn't, he would be taking the biggest step backwards since he met Jack.

John stood at the arrival gates, allowing the hustle and bustle of the airport to keep his nerves intact. Although looking forward to seeing Roy the anticipated conversation was stopping him from totalling relaxing. Thinking of his partner made him think of his former life in LA, which then made him think of…IT. He was barely holding himself together.

Roy exited the airplane and made his way steadily down the busy walkway. He looked for his former partner with eagerness. Spotting the young man off to the left, he couldn't help but notice his thinness and the short military style haircut. 'Cap would be proud of that haircut Johnny' Roy thought. He smiled as he made his way towards his best friend.

John watched the exiting faces looking for Roy but also making sure that none of 'them' were amongst the departing passengers. He smiled when his eyes met the familiar blue eyes. The man he had trusted with his life countless times was here. He felt his heartbeat speed up but not through panic, through relief and happiness. He realised just how much he had missed this man.

"Hey Junior." Roy held out his hand. As John took his hand the older man pulled him into a hug.

"Pally. I'm so glad you came." John felt his partner's strength and used it to keep himself from falling apart. When the two friends broke apart John picked up Roy's duffle bag. "Come on I'll buy you breakfast." He steered his best friend to an open style café at the airport.

"Ah….how about somewhere a little quieter….so we can talk?" Roy suggested, but saw that he had made a major error. He quickly backtracked. "Here is fine…I am kind of hungry."

They took their seats and ordered breakfast. "How is everyone?"

"Everyone is fine. They all say hello. Chet wanted to come but I told him that he needed to wait till you were ready to see someone so taxing." John shook his head and chuckled. "They all really miss you…we all do. The station's not the same without you. I understand you needed to leave….I just wish I had, that last shift, tried harder to find out what was wrong."

John shook his head. "Don't blame yourself Roy. Nothing you could have said or done would have got me to talk to you. It's taken a lot of prodding and pushing to get me to this point. I have a friend, Jack…you'll really like him Roy….you two are very alike. He works at the local crisis centre."

"Crisis centre?" Roy furrowed his eyebrows.

"Yes. You see I got to a point where I knew I needed help. I was hardly sleeping, my mind just wouldn't switch off…..I knew I couldn't keep going the way I was. The best way to describe it was that I felt like I was drowning. Jack has been my life saviour…he's slowly pulled me back…I just need to take one more step. We're meeting him at the centre at ten o'clock."

The waitress placed their food in front of them. Both men lost in their thoughts ate their breakfast. Roy watched as John slowly ate. The man sitting in front of him had changed. "Are you working?"

John nodded. "In construction. All those high rise rescues paid off. I've got a house I rent not far from here. We'll drop your stuff off on the way to the centre. You can freshen up if you want."

"That would be good. So construction." Roy couldn't help but wonder how happy his friend would be doing something other than being a paramedic.

Picking up on Roy's questioning of his current occupation, "It's well paid mindless work and it keeps me busy."

"I'm glad you're working. Are you happy Junior?" Roy asked with genuine concern.

"As happy as I could be under the current circumstances….I'll never be as happy as I was in Los Angeles." Roy caught a glimpse of the same sadness he saw in his friend the last time he saw him. He let silence deal with it. His young friend would reveal all, hopefully, soon enough but he couldn't help but feel that their former lives would remain in the past never to be recaptured.

John directed Roy into his house and quickly showed him where everything was. Roy watched as his friend opened windows. The noise from the busy road and airport filled the house. He refrained from commenting, not wanting to say the wrong thing and spoil their reunion. John seemed to relax with the sounds. Again Roy couldn't help but ponder how much his friend had changed.

Jack was waiting for them at the centre. Roy saw straight away how this man would appeal to John. He had a calmness about him that he knew his young friend would latch onto. They shook hands and walked into a larger recreational room. Roy noticed the noise level in this room; not what he would have chosen for a serious talk but knew was important to his friend.

"Just take your time John." Jack urged the young man to talk.

John held on to the armrest tightly, his knuckles turning white. Jack uncurled his hand from the armrest closest to him and placed it on his arm. "Use me as your crutch. I'll anchor you. Remember no one judges you here." Roy watched the interplay and anticipated his best friend's story. A feeling of dread overcame him. This was not going to be easy to listen to.

John nodded. He stared at the floor. "I was camping." His voice shook as he spoke. "I had a couple of favourite spots….helped me unwind. You  
know them Roy….up in the San Gabriel Mountains. I was drinking some coffee and gazing up at the stars. The night sky was clear and sparkling." John smiled as he remembered the night sky but then the smile was gone and sadness took its place. "The campsite was suddenly flooded with a bright light…blinding me." John's voice cracked. Jack squeezed John's hand and encouraged him to continue.

"I tried to shield my eyes and stood…then someone grabbed me from behind and pushed me to the ground. Another set of hands grabbed my arms….I struggled but they were too strong. They turned me over and pressed hard down on my chest. I thought they were going to break my ribs. I could feel hands searching my pockets…another hand was placed over my mouth." John faltered.

"Take your time." Jack soothed the young man. Roy's dread turned to expectation, somehow he knew what Johnny was about to reveal. He tried to keep his expression calm but it was taking every ounce of his strength to do it.

"They found my wallet and complained that I only had ten bucks….that's when Hammer….that's what one of them called him…stood over me. He slapped my face, splitting my lip….then he sat down on me straddling me. _You got any more money stashed away?_ He yelled at me. I didn't answer him so he punched my face a couple of times…that's when he said, _we'll just have to take it out of your hide._ He ripped my shirt open and pushed down on my chest. I tried to kick out but he was just too heavy. Then I felt…I felt someone undo my jeans and pull them off. I was turned over. I felt my legs pulled apart. I screamed NO! And then….and then….he pushed into me. Oh God the pain….I felt like my insides were being ripped apart….I was screaming….and that's when someone covered my ears. I struggled more but the hands had me pinned to the ground." Johns hand squeezed Jack's arm. Roy couldn't help but think he would have one hell of a bruise the next day.

John squeezed his eyes shut. "I felt Hammer's weight lift off me but before I could move another was pushing into me. The pain….the pain was like a knife being plunged into me….at that stage I just wanted to die. They still had my ears covered but they were lifting my shoulders…the pain through my back was killing me." John's breaths became faster. "Someone held my nose so I had to open my mouth to breathe….before I could do anything one of them was plunging their dick into my mouth. It made me gag. I was so pinned down I couldn't move….the pain in my back and the gagging….I knew I was going to throw up and then suddenly my mouth was filling up with semen and I was choking. Still they covered my ears…I just wanted to pass out….the pain was unbearable. Again the weight was gone only to be replaced by another…..Over and over….I was begging to die but it just kept happening over and over. I know I threw up a few times but it didn't stop them. Then one of the hands was removed from my ear….I could smell beer on his breath….he told me _I know where you live. I had such a good time I'm going to pay you a visit and have some more fun._ Then all the weight was gone….all the hands were gone and there was silence…..nothing. In the distance I could hear a truck leaving. I laid there unmoving for I don't know how long. I couldn't move…I hurt so much. I must have finally passed out cause next thing I felt was the sun on my face. I crawled over to my clothes and pulled my jeans on."

"How many were there John?"

"Five….Hammer and four others….I never heard any other names. God they hurt me." Tears streamed down John's face. He needed to face Roy but he feared his reaction. He heard someone blowing their nose and looked up to see his best friend had been crying.

Roy saw Johnny look up and grabbed him. He hugged his best friend, trying to offer as much strength as he could to him. He felt inadequate; his friend had suffered an horrific ordeal and he suddenly understood everything.


	4. Chapter 4

Roy held his best friend, the man he considered a brother, and let him sob the pain and loss into his chest. He willed his strong arms to give the comfort needed to this broken man.

"Why?" The sheer torture behind that word tore Roy DeSoto's heart into a thousand pieces. It was a question that would never be answered and would remain etched in his soul. You read about these sorts of things happening, to someone else, not to your best friend.

"Oh God!" Roy looked stricken. John broke away from his friend thinking he had changed his mind about him; that he disgusts him. "Johnny listen to me. There was an article….a couple of weeks ago…in the paper. Chet read it to me. A woman died Johnny."

Roy wasn't making any sense. John shook his head not comprehending what his friend was trying to tell him. The older man placed his hands on the young man's shoulders. "The article warned of several attacks in the San Gabriel Mountains. A young couple was attacked while camping. The woman was raped and beaten….she died. Her husband was tied to a tree and made to watch them rape his wife and they left him, still tied to the tree, only to watch his wife die."

John sat down, shocked. "Do you think they were the same men?"

"Where were you camping?" Roy was sure it was the same men.

"Millard Falls."

"Same place Johnny. I also remember the article mentioned something about reported incidents over a couple of years and that victims were reluctant to press charges. I'm sure it said that the victims were both male and female."

"Did it say if the police have any suspects?" Jack asked.

"No, not that I can remember." Roy looked at his stunned friend. He bit his bottom lip and saw Jack shake his head, as if knowing what he was thinking. Roy wanted to ask Johnny to come forward but he trusted Jack's instincts and stayed silent.

"John I think you need to rest and gather your thoughts. We'll talk again tomorrow. Don't try to work things out today, just rest." Jack patted the young man on the shoulder. He had been keeping his own emotions in check. The young man's story had shaken him to the core. He had never heard a more terrifying story, he would lament in the privacy of his home. Roy put his arm around John's shoulder and guided him out to his truck.

"What happened to your Rover Johnny?" Roy had wondered about it, knowing his former partner had loved that car.

John looked up at his pickup. "I traded it in for this. They knew what kind of car I drove."

It made sense to Roy. Another thread severed. "Do you want me to drive? You look spent."

John nodded and handed the keys to his friend. There was a hint of his crooked smile. "You just want an excuse to drive a pick up."

"You know me and my driving Junior." They got in the truck and drove back to the house.

Again after entering the house John opened all the windows. He looked at Roy's questioning eyes. "I can't stand quiet. It reminds me of when they covered my ears. Quiet isolates me and panics me. Noise tells me that I'm still alive and calms my nerves."

"I'm sorry Johnny." The heartfelt words warmed the young man's shattered heart. He knew he had taken a big step forward and Roy had kept him on that path. He could have so easily gone backwards drowning in the memories, but this man, his best friend, through his friendship and compassion gave him the confidence to live; to go on.

The evening was spent catching up on what Roy's kids were up to and various friends from Rampart and the Fire Department. It was John who asked about Gus, Roy's current partner.

"He's working out ok…..he's not you but he's a good paramedic. We're getting a trainee next shift." Roy calculated how many days he could stay before he needed to head back to LA.

"That would mean you would need to leave Monday at the latest." John wished Roy could stay longer but he had a family and a job he needed to get back to.

Roy looked at John with expectant eyes. "You could come back with me."

John stood up, raised the nearest window higher, letting in more noise, and gazed sadly out the window. "You have to understand Roy….I can't go back….ever. I'm not the same man….I could never go back to that life."

Roy walked over and stood by his friend. "I'm sorry….I shouldn't have said that. I know this has been a hard day for you and the last thing you need is me pressuring you. Hopefully…..one day…..you'll be able to come back. I know everyone would be happy to see you. They all miss you….Joanne and the kids miss you….I miss you."

The two friends watched a plane come in to land. Their comfortable silence enhanced the special bond these two men had. John was relieved that his story had not changed their relationship. Roy grieved for Johnny Gage, the carefree, high spirited Fire-Fighter/Paramedic. He knew deep in his heart that there was no going back to that life; that his young friend was changed forever. 'They' had made sure of that.

Over the next couple of days John showed Roy where he worked and made arrangements with the site supervisor to work a half day on the Monday, so that he could spend the morning with Roy and drop him at the airport for his afternoon flight.

They met up with Jack the next day as arranged. Roy watched the man guide his friend along the emotional rollercoaster reassuring him every step of the way. Roy thought Johnny seemed a little calmer, Jack really knew his stuff. He could leave knowing that a good man was looking out for his young friend.

They made promises to keep in touch, hugged tightly and with great reluctance waved goodbye as Roy stepped through the departure gates. John walked through the airport with ease, allowing the activity and sounds to calm him. He looked at the empty passenger seat as he drove to work, missing his best friend's voice and laugh. It had been like sitting in the squad, with the exception of him being the driver.

Roy arrived the next day to expectant faces. He hated being the bearer of bad news. "He's still in Denver….He's working and he has someone, a good man, helping him."

"When is he coming back?" Chet didn't want to hear about a life in Denver. He wanted his friend back.

"Chet…..Johnny may never come back. He told me why he left." Roy held up his hands to quieten everyone. "Chet you remember that article you read to me….about the woman and her husband being attacked camping?"

"Yeah, the woman died. What's that got to do with Johnny? That happened months after he left."

"Johnny had been camping on his days off before his last shift with us." Roy waited for his words to sink in and the information to form a picture.

"Oh Roy….You're not saying…" Cap was the first to realise what Roy was implying. Mike was next and sat down slowly with a shocked expression. Chet looked at the two crew members and he too suddenly realised Roy's implications. Marco was confused by his friends reactions; having not read the article.

When he had all of their attention, Roy said, "Johnny said there were five of them. From what he told me he was very lucky he survived. They went through his wallet and got his address. This is the reason why he left; they threatened to pay him a visit and, I quote, 'Have some more fun with him.' So you see he couldn't stay here….he needed to get away."

"He should have gone to the police." Cap told Roy.

"You wouldn't say that if you spoke with him Cap. Johnny….well….ah hell Cap. They broke his spirit….and what they did to him." Roy's voice cracked. "You wouldn't say that if you talked to him." Roy rubbed his hand over his face to hide the couple of tears that escaped.

Cap cleared his throat. "So what happens now?" He looked away from his senior paramedic, feeling guilty for causing him such anguish.

"He still has a long way to go….We promised to stay in touch…..We just have to be patient and hope that the councillor at the crisis centre is able to give him the help that he needs."

Each member of the A-shift of station 51 completed their assigned chores without the usual enthusiasm. The realisation that Johnny Gage would never be a part of this crew was hard to accept. Everyone had been holding onto a thread of hope that their youngest member would walk through the bay doors and say, 'I'm back.' That was not to be and they would have to accept it and move on; easier said than done.

Roy's first run for the day found him at Rampart. Like earlier at the station, he was met with expectant faces. He sighed and looked down at the floor. 'Please be the last time I have to tell friends that Johnny's not coming back.' He tried to put on a brave face but failed miserably.

"He's not coming back is he?" Dixie stated having read Roy's body language.

Roy shook his head. "No….he's not coming back. He can't…..something terrible happened to him and it's changed him."

"Is he alright?" Dr Brackett was concerned about his friend's health.

"Physically…..apart from being thinner, he's fine. He has a job and is living in a house he rents. Mentally…he has a long hard road ahead of him but he's slowly moving forward. He goes to the local crisis centre and one of the councillors there is helping him."

"Crisis centre? What happened to him Roy?" Dixie asked with concern. Brackett noticed Roy's reluctance to discuss Johnny in the open, for all the hospital staff to hear.

"Why don't we take this to my office?" Roy, Dixie, Dr Joe Early and Dr Brackett walked down to Brackett's office. They all sat down as he closed the door.

"Johnny was attacked while he was camping in the San Gabriel Mountains. That's why he had the black eye and the split lip and the bruises. There were a lot of other injuries we couldn't see." Roy looked at his friends. No one seemed to understand what he was hinting at as far as the other injuries were. "He said five men jumped him, they had been drinking, cause he could smell beer on their breaths and…." Roy took a deep breath. "They assaulted him. It went on for some time. To be honest I don't think he realises he was lucky he survived, although I think sometimes he wished he hadn't. They went through his pockets and found his wallet, stole what little money he had, but got his address from his license. After they had finished assaulting him they threatened to go to his apartment and have some more fun with him. So you see he had to leave LA….he couldn't stay knowing they knew where he lived."

"Do you mean he was raped?" Dr Early asked disbelieving what he was hearing.

"Yes several times….orally also. John asked me to go to Denver so he could tell me his story. It was the first time he had told anyone…..and it took all his courage to tell it. His spirit has been broken….he's not the same person." Everyone sat in silence absorbing everything.

"Did he at least get some medical help afterwards?" Dr Brackett's concern for his former paramedic's health and welfare was fundamental.

"He saw a doctor the next day. He did all the necessary tests and examined him. He told him there were lacerations but no tears. All the blood results came back negative. In three more months Johnny will have the tests repeated."

"Good. Do you know who the doctor was? I'd like to put the report in his current medical file just for any future needs."

"What about his mental health Roy?" Dr Early asked.

"He's surviving the best way he can. He has a problem with quietness."

"Quietness? Johnny love's camping in the peace and quiet. It's always helped him cope with problems." Dixie interrupted.

Roy was getting frustrated with his three friends; they didn't seem to comprehend how horrific the attack on Johnny had been. He lost it. He was shouting. "Don't you understand? He was raped over and over and through it all they covered his ears. Not only did they defile his little piece of heaven as he called it but they killed his spirit and left me with a shell of a man I call my best friend. He has to be surrounded by noise to live. The Johnny Gage we all knew died that night."

"I don't know how many times he tried to speak to me on the phone. I knew it was him on the other end of the line but he couldn't get his voice to work. He told me he'd ring just to hear my voice, it calmed him. Johnny's not the same, and to be honest, I don't think I will ever be the same. How people can be so cruel and not care is beyond me."

"Roy." Dr Brackett put his hand on the paramedic's shoulder. "I'm sorry. This must have been so hard for you. Johnny's lucky to have a friend like you."

"No Doc I'm the lucky one. He severed all his ties to his life in LA except for one. Me. That's how much he cares for me. I just wish I could help him more…I feel so inadequate." Roy confessed.

"I think just being there for him and being his friend is what he needs and you're giving him that." Dr Early reassured Roy.

"We all need to be there for him. Please tell him if he ever needs someone to just listen, to call me Roy." Dixie told the calming paramedic.

"I will Dix….and I'm sorry I yelled….it's just been a lot to take on board….and….I worry about him being so far away…alone." The trio encouraged Roy to express his feelings. They wanted to shoulder some of the burden the paramedic had been carrying. "He lives in a house right next to the airport and on a busy street. As soon as he gets home he opens all the windows, using the noise to centre him. He works on a construction site, again noisy…..but…..he's never totally relaxed. He's always looking….for 'them'. It breaks your heart. He doesn't deserve that kind of life."

"No one does. We can only be there for him and hope that the crisis centre can help him." Dr Brackett patted Roy on the back.

"You're right Doc. I better go….my…..partner….will be looking for me." Roy stood and left his three friends. They sat in the office for several minutes absorbing everything that had been said. Dixie knew she would never see her Johnny leaning over her desk giving her that crooked smile. Just like station 51's crew earlier, they too had to accept that Johnny Gage would never walk through the emergency doors as a paramedic.


	5. Chapter 5

A few weeks had passed. As promised John called Roy, usually a Friday night, unless Roy was on shift. He was getting the phone connected in a couple of days, another big step forward. He had been worried that the phone could be traced but Jack had assured him that if he kept his number silent and didn't give it out to anyone then there was no way 'they' could find him. John only gave his number to two people, Roy and Jack.

John met with Jack as usual at the crisis centre. The older man had another man with him when John arrived. Not wanting to interrupt John made his way out back and watched some of the youths who came to the crisis centre, play basketball. One of them called out to John, "You wanna play?"

John nodded and joined in. "You played before brother….you're tall enough?"

"Yeah…we used to play out back at the station." John intercepted the ball and scored.

"What station would that be? Nice shot."

"Fire station." John answered without thinking.

"You were a fireman….a skinny little thing like you. You're pulling my leg."

"No I was a Fire-Fighter/Paramedic."

Another youth spoke up. "So you'd run into a burning building like we see on TV?"

"Yeah….but not anymore." John said with sadness.

"I always wanted to be a fireman." The second youth told John.

"You just need to graduate high school and apply at the Fire Academy."

"I finish this year…I've been going to night school." John scored again. "Chicks dig uniforms…..I can just see me now."

One of the youths was laughing and placed his hands over John's ears. "Don't listen to him John." The youth said innocently. John pulled away startled, he tried to catch his breath. The youth didn't know what he had done to frighten the young man. He looked questionably at the councillor.

"Jason, go get Jack." The councillor grabbed John and guided him into the Rec Room.

"Deep breaths….just sit down and take deep breaths."

"What happened?" Jack knelt down in front of John, concerned for the young man.

"Manny was just mucking around and put his hands over John's ears. He froze and started to panic. He was shooting some hoops with the guys." The councillor was apologetic. "I'll speak to Manny. He knows the rules. They forget that they have to be careful around other victims."

"That's ok….we're used to these little setbacks." He patted the John on the back as he rose. "Go back outside and let them know everything's ok….oh and…..keep the door open and encourage them to make noise." Jack watched his colleague leave and knelt back down in front of John. "You ok?"

"Yes…I'm sorry. He surprised me…I…I"

"Hey what have I said before….no one apologises for the way they feel." Jack placed his hand on the young man's shoulder. "Just slow down your breathing….that's it. Better?"

"Yes. I wish I could stop feeling this way." John placed his head in his hands.

"It's just going to take time and don't worry about the guys…they understand." John nodded and took deep calming breaths. He could feel his heart rate slow down; it had been beating so hard he thought his chest was going to explode. "When you're ready I'd like you to meet a friend of mine."

John looked up and saw the same man Jack had been talking to when he arrived, standing behind him. "This is a really good friend of mine, Steve Williams. Remember I told you that I had a friend who helped me?" John nodded. "Well this is that friend. Steve this is the young man I told you about John."

The taller man held out his hand to John. "It's nice to finally meet you. Jack has talked about you a lot and I've wanted to meet you for some time." John shook his hand firmly.

"Nice to meet you Steve." John's voice was a little shaky. Jack had succeeded in getting John to refocus his thoughts.

Jack rubbed his hands down his thighs, reminding John of Cap's habit of rubbing his hands together, "How about some coffee." Both Steve and John nodded.

"Jack tells me you're from LA." Steve watched the young man flinch. "It's ok John….Jack told me for a reason….to help you." John looked at Steve with questioning eyes. Jack sat down and gave John his coffee and continued the conversation.

"Steve is a police officer. He volunteers his time here at the centre. I contacted Steve after Roy was here. I wanted him to find out more about the attacks in LA."

"Jack wanted to know if the police had any suspects and just what they knew about the attacks. I discreetly made enquiries….no names were mentioned and I did it through one of my old academy buddies."

John nodded. Steve continued, "They don't have much. The blinding light happened on each reported occasion, the covering of the ears also. They were able to get some blood types from the women's post mortem and some pubic hairs were also recovered. The husband was unable to give descriptions. He was too traumatised…They found his body at the bottom of a gorge two days later. You are the first victim to mention a name."

Jack grabbed John's attention, "Steve has a brother who works for the FBI. He lives in Washington. He'd like to get his brother to help with the investigation by providing the name. He won't have to tell them his source so your identity will be protected."

"My brother is good at his job. None of his notes will have yours' or my name on them so even if someone by chance read his files; they still wouldn't know his source. He is very careful. Having the name, Hammer, could be the break they need and they need one. There have been, over the past two years, twenty seven known attacks and they believe there are several more, like yours, that they never hear about."

"They think it's the same men?" John asked tentatively.

"Yes, always the spotlight blinding the victims and the threats of going to their homes to assault them again." Steve watched the young man process the information.

"They do need to be stopped. Ok you can tell your brother to go ahead. There is something else you can tell him. I only remembered it the other day. It just popped into my head. Just before they covered my ears Hammer yelled 10-13. I don't know if that will help. I think it was some kind of code." John shakily raised his mug to his mouth.

Jack placed his hand under the mug to steady it. "That took a lot of courage, to agree. You should be proud of yourself. I know Roy would be proud."

"I'm not so brave….I did run away and hide….and I'm still hiding." John said dejectedly.

"No you were just trying to survive. There's a difference. Wait here, I'm just going to see Steve off, and we'll talk." Jack followed Steve out. John took deep breaths, his nerves were shot. Too much had happened in a short period of time. He prayed for Jack to hurry back.

John quickly stood up. It was too quiet. Where was everyone? John had to get outside, he was feeling overwhelmed. Jack came in and saw John spin around frantically. He too noticed how quiet it was. 'Damn, someone had shut the back door.' He quickly walked over and opened the door.

Jack approached the young man cautiously. "It's alright John. Come on….remember your exercises." The distraught young man grabbed onto Jack, he was shaking. "It's alright….try to calm down….I've got you." He held onto the young man and sighed. 'He was doing so well.'

It took some time for John to gather himself. He despondently left the centre feeling like he was back where he started. Jack had reassured him that it was just a little step backwards and to not obsess over it; to put it out of his mind.

To distract his mind, John went to work on a deck he was building out back. Working with the noise from the airport in the background, he managed to get a lot done before the light faded. He was sweaty and tired but it was a good tiredness. He felt better within himself. The next day, after making enquiries, he picked up application forms and a hand booklet from the Denver Fire Academy. He them to Jason the next time he was at the centre. Jack smiled with approval; the young man was beginning to show his spirit.

"When are you seeing Johnny again?" Roy looked up from the engineer's manual he was studying. He had decided it was time to move up in the department. The paramedic program was successfully running and without his former partner, Johnny Gage, he no longer felt compelled to continue being a paramedic.

I'm visiting him on our next four day break, but I'm taking two days leave also." Roy told Chet. "Why?"

Chet cleared his throat and squirmed in his chair. "I want to come with you….to visit Johnny."

Roy frowned. "I don't know Chet…he may not be ready…we have to be very patient with him and take things slow."

"Can you ask him next time he calls?" Chet asked expectantly.

"I'll ask and it will be up to Johnny….we can't pressure him….he has to be in control of who he sees from his past. It's important you understand this Chet. You can't force Johnny to see you and you have to accept his decision."

"I understand Roy." Chet said, shrugging his shoulders.

"No I don't think you do Chet. Johnny isn't the same person and he doesn't feel the same way about his friends." Roy tried to explain.

"He must feel the same way about you. He calls you. He wants to see you." Chet clearly didn't understand why Roy was being so protective of Johnny.

"That's different Chet. He doesn't associate me with his life as a paramedic. He focuses on our friendship. You have to understand Chet we were more than partners, we were more like brothers. That's why Johnny keeps in contact with me. He may not be able to handle seeing you."

"I wouldn't play any pranks on him Roy." Chet whined.

"That's not what I'm talking about Chet. Seeing you will remind him of being a Fire-Fighter/Paramedic…which will remind him of the life he gave up…which will remind him of why he gave it up…which will bring to the surface what happened to him." Roy tried to explain his friend's state of mind.

Chet was getting frustrated. "Can you just ask him?"

"I'll ask him but as I said you'll have to accept his decision." Roy went back to studying the manual. Chet watched Roy, thinking about what he said.

"I just need to see for myself….that he's ok….." Chet finally confessed. Roy smiled, knowingly. Even though he wouldn't admit it Chet really did like Johnny.

"I'll ask him Chet."

"Thanks." Both men sat quietly reading but were thinking about Johnny. The station was not the same. Roy no longer felt compelled to continue being a paramedic. The idea of becoming an engineer excited him. Maybe he too needed to leave that life behind; to stop being reminded of his best friends' nightmare.

"Hello Johnny….How are things?" Roy smiled into the phone. It felt so good to hear his best friend's voice.

"I'm good Roy…keeping busy."

"Yeah…How's the deck coming along?" Johnny had told Roy that he had decided to buy the house so he had started to make improvements on it.

"I'm almost finished Roy. It should be finished by your next visit."

"You have been busy. That's great Johnny. Listen I have to ask you something. If you want to say no…that's fine…no pressure."

"Sure Roy what is it?"

"Chet wants to come with me on my next visit. I told him you may not want to see him because it's too soon and he fully understands." Roy waited on the end of the phone patiently for Johnny's reply.

Johnny wasn't sure; he'd like to see Chet but was worried he'd ask too many questions and dredge up too many painful memories. "I'd like to see him Roy…but I just don't know if I could handle him."

Taking in Johnny's indecision, he made a suggestion. "Alright, how about this? When I call you next week I'll put Chet on the phone and you can have a talk…and then maybe you'll know if you want him to visit."

"Ok that would be good. I'm just too unsure about things. I've had a few setbacks recently….and I'm really trying to keep focused on other things." Roy could almost feel his friend's misery over the phone. He wanted to changes the mood of the conversation.

"Oh guess what? Dixie and Dr Brackett got engaged." Roy was hoping the news would pull Johnny out of his funk.

"Really? Wow! That's great news Roy. Tell them congratulations for me."

"Why don't you tell Dixie yourself? She told me to tell you to ring her anytime. It would be a good excuse to give her a call. Do you have her number?"

"Yeah I have it. I might just do that." Johnny knew Dixie would not pressure him about the way he left. "I will call her Roy. What else is happening?" The two friends talked about what was happening in their lives; the exchange about Chet forgotten. Johnny was pleased to hear Roy had finally made the decision to take the engineers exam. Roy was concerned to hear about the intended investigation by Jack's friend and told his friend how proud he was. Johnny played it down but Roy could hear the honour in his friend's voice that he had made his best friend proud.

John never brought up the investigation with Jack. He figured he would find out soon enough if anything came of it. He did make the call to Dixie and she did not disappoint him. She never mentioned anything about him leaving, John was glad he had reconnected with another friend. The talk with Chet did not go so well. John asked him to be patient and to put off visiting him. Chet was upset that Johnny didn't want to see him but bit his tongue, remembering Roy's warnings before the call. He called Roy a mother hen and stormed out of his house without saying goodbye.

A few days later Chet received a letter from Johnny. Next shift he apologised to Roy, understanding he was right to make him hold his tongue and not pressure their friend. He finally accepted that Johnny was a different person and that, although still friends, it would be a long time before they saw each other again. Chet for his part wrote regularly to Johnny keeping him up with the gossip and his latest escapades.


	6. Chapter 6

John was up a ladder fixing a new backboard to the basketball hoop at the back of the crisis centre. Some of the younger men were going through a group exercise with a councillor below him. They were standing in a circle throwing the basketball to each other. Whoever caught the ball had to call out one word that expressed their feelings. He listened to them as he screwed the board into place. It surprised him what some of them were calling out and how familiar some of their feelings were. It made him realise he wasn't the only one feeling the way he was.

He was just finishing up when Jack and Steve approached him. Jack was smiling with approval. John had repaired several things around the centre. A lot of the younger victims helped John and he patiently allowed them, even though they had no idea what they were doing. The interacting was good for both parties.

"Looks good John. I wonder how long this one will last." Jack was referring to the previous board, it having only lasted a month.

"Ahh…this isn't a store bought board. I made this one. I guarantee it will last." John boasted as he put away his work tools.

"Guarantee huh!" Jack bantered as he inspected John's handiwork.

"Looks pretty sturdy to me." Steve smiled, it was good to see a little of John's spirit appear.

John followed Jack and Steve into the Rec Room. He presumed Steve had news to share on the investigation. It had been a little over a month since Steve originally talked to him about it. As usual Jack gave John some coffee and sat next to him to give him support if needed.

Steve turned serious. "I heard from my brother last night. He had just returned to Washington. It didn't take him long to find out who Hammer was. It took a bit longer to find who his associates were. Apparently a couple of them got scared because the women died, you know that story your friend told you about in the papers, so they had been laying low." Steve recalled his reaction when his brother told him that bit of information. _"Oh so it's ok to terrorise, humiliate, hurt and threaten their victims…but to kill is not." "Apparently so Steve. What can I say? These men are the lowest excuse of human beings." _Steve shook his head from his thoughts and continued.

"LAPD had increased patrols around some of the more popular campsites; they also had the rangers put up signs in the more remote campsites warning campers not to camp alone. It's a big area to cover as you would know."

John nodded his head. Steve continued. "The code 10-13, I must admit really shook me when you told me. You see John that's not just any code…..It's a police code….10-13 means citizen listening."

Steve allowed John to absorb the information. The young man clenched his fist. "A policeman." He whispered.

"Not quite your typical policeman. He works in the administration side of things, gathering statistics, following up information for detectives….stuff like that. He didn't make it in the field, something about his attitude so he was given a desk job."

"But he is a policeman?" John asked Steve with disbelieving eyes.

"Yes unfortunately." Steve looked down and sighed. "It's like any occupation….bad apples…..hell even in the Fire Service….some of the arsonists have turned out to be the very people who put out the fire, firemen." Steve took a deep breath getting his feelings under control." All I'm saying is…it happens." Jack noticed Steve was a little bit more emotional than his usual calm self. This had hit a bit too close to home.

"More coffee?" Jack tried to calm the atmosphere by drawing their attention away from the subject matter for a bit. Both John and Steve nodded.

When coffee was poured Steve continued. "Anyway, it was decided to set up some undercover detectives in some of the more remote campsites near Millard Falls. They kept Hammer under surveillance. It took some doing and a lot of hours but it paid off."

John looked up at Steve, "They caught them in the act."

"Yes and two of them turned over and confessed everything."

"They caught all five of them?" John needed to be sure.

"Yes." Steve let John get his feelings under control before continuing. "They go to trial in four weeks. Some victims are coming forward to tell their story in a closed court. This will back up the two turned state witnesses. If we were to submit a written statement from you, the judge and the district attorney would see your name but the file itself would be kept closed so no one else would see it. You naming Hammer and the code are what solved this case. The district attorney wants to give you the chance to put the final nail in Hammer's coffin. Give you the power, taking Hammer's power away."

Jack spoke up. "You don't have to decide now but I don't want you agonising over it either. Have a little think now….ask Steve anything you need to know…Next time you talk to Roy, talk it over with him….But….otherwise try not to think about it."

"Jack's right John. Either way they are going away for a very long time. We just thought if you told the judge what happened and how it affected you, that it would not only ensure they all get the maximum sentence and it would make appeals near impossible, but it would also give….you….some sort of closure." John nodded his understanding.

Jack, with Steve's help, tried to get John to open up and voice his feelings. Although the young man was glad that they were finally caught, he felt a little numb and not sure how to react. Jack assured him it was normal, that it was a lot to take in. He reminded John to call him anytime if he felt overwhelmed later. John agreed and when he left the crisis centre, for the first time since he was assaulted, he didn't check his rear vision mirror for following cars.

John didn't wait, he called Roy that night. Roy was stunned with the news. Nothing had been printed in the paper. He was visiting John in two days. It was Roy who suggested that John put the decision out of his mind, that they would discuss it face to face during his visit.

John spent the next two days working double shifts, making up time he was having off during Roy's visit. Working helped keep his mind occupied.

John waited at the arrival gate for his best friend. Unlike the previous visit he was not constantly checking faces for 'them'; they were safely locked away in LA's jail.

Roy exited the plane with anticipation. After their last phone call it took every ounce of Roy's strength to not jump on a plane straight away to be with his friend. The news of the capture of his friend's attackers and of the district attorney wanting John to give a statement had him worrying over his young friend's frame of mind. Knowing how Johnny obsessed over things concerned him. He was also excited; he had a special surprise for John.

He was pleasantly greeted by a smiling, not quite reaching his eyes, Johnny. Roy hugged him tightly. Although still painfully thin Roy thought the tight lines around his friend's eyes were a little relaxed. His best friend was doing ok.

It was as if they had never been apart. Roy followed John into his home, watched him automatically open the windows, and listened to his friend talk about various projects to improve the home. Roy had also told John how long his honey-to-do list was getting.

He followed John out to the newly built deck. "I'm almost jealous….wow…this is great." Both men watched a plane come in to land. Roy looked at his former partner, who was looking out over the airport land. The contented look on his best friend's face made his heart smile. "It's perfect Junior."

John turned his head toward his best friend and smiled his crooked smile briefly. "It is now Pally….you're here." Roy chuckled and patted the young man on the back.

"How about some coffee?" John nodded and led the way into the kitchen. He started the coffee machine and got out two mugs. Roy opened his bag and pulled out an envelope and some hand drawn pictures. "These are from the kids for your fridge."

John looked over the pictures and smiled. He placed them on his fridge, stood back and admired them. "Much better, don't you think?"

"Now it feels more like home." Roy slid a white envelope across the table to John.

"What's this?"

"Open it and you'll find out." Roy looked like he was ready to burst.

John carefully opened the envelope. There was a letter and an invitation inside. John read the letter first. Roy watched his friend in anticipation.

_Dear Johnny,_

_ I asked Roy to give you this letter because it was very important to me. I have a special request to ask of you. You must know that you have always held a special place in my heart; after all, you saved my life. I wouldn't be alive let alone getting married if you hadn't ignored my future, 'stubborn' husband's instructions. You put everything on the line for me that day._

_I would be honoured if you would agree to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. I know coming to Los Angeles may be too hard for you so Kel and I have agreed to move our wedding to Denver, if you say yes._

_I understand if you can't, so don't feel you have to say yes. I know in your heart that you would want to do it and that's enough for me._

_Love you always,_

_Dixie xx_

John opened the invitation. It was a sample; it had the couples name and a date written on it. The wedding was six weeks away and the place where it would be was left blank. John looked up at Roy who was smiling broadly. "You knew about this?" Roy nodded. "Why doesn't she get Joe Early to do it? Surely he's a closer friend."

"He's Brackett's best man. So what do you think?" Roy watched his friend contemplate the idea. "I know it's a big decision for you."

"You think? Don't get me wrong. I love Dix but I'm just not sure I'm the right person to do this."

"Johnny…..Dix wouldn't ask you if she didn't want you to walk her down that aisle on the most important day of her life. She's always held you in a special place in her heart…and you know her….she wouldn't ask you unless she really wanted you."

"Wow!"

"Yeah wow!" Roy smiled. "Do you think you could come to LA now that the ones that attacked you are in jail? It would be a good excuse to say hello to the guys."

"I don't know Roy. I'm not sure I could sit in a church….and getting there….I honestly don't think I could sit on a plane, I wouldn't trust myself. I'd have to drive….that would mean taking a couple of weeks off…but then where would I stay….what would I wear. My suit doesn't fit me." Roy could see that Johnny was getting really worked up.

"Hey….stop…Take a breath. You can hire a suit; I think Dixie mentioned something about you wearing a white suit. As far as getting to LA well…I could fly here and fly to LA with you. We could make sure you got the seat over the wings, they're the noisiest. I'll be with you to keep you centred. Maybe Brackett could prescribe a mild sedative so that you slept most of the way. We'll work it out. As far as the wedding is concerned, it's an outdoor wedding by the beach. So what do you think?" Roy waited for his friend to way up all the options.

"I really don't know why she wants me to do it…." Johnny sighed and made his decision. "Yes, I'd love to walk her down that aisle. I'll have to check with work if I can get the time off before I tell Dixie."

"If you can't get time off, the wedding will be here instead of LA. Simple as that."

"Roy I couldn't get Dixie to move her wedding to here just because of me."

"Johnny you know Dixie as well as I do. Once her mind is made up you can't change it. Her and Brackett are a good pair. They're both stubborn." Roy slapped Johnny on the shoulder. "Let's go ask your work now and we'll work it out from there."

Johnny gathered his keys and they drove to the site. Roy was impressed as to how far the building had grown in height since he last visited. He noticed a lot of the men called out their hellos to his friend as he walked through the site to the supervisor's portable office. He could see he was popular and that made Roy's heart swell with pride.

John was given permission to take a week off. They left the site and made their way over to a small shopping centre to have lunch. The activity and traffic kept John calm. Roy approached the subject of the trial.

"Have you thought about what you will do about making a statement for the trial?" Roy didn't know what to advise his friend, it really was Johnny's decision.

John sighed and shook his head. "Knowing they're in jail and not hurting anyone else has helped me move forward. I won't totally relax til the verdict and I know my statement will seal that verdict. The more I think about it….I think Jack is right…..it will give me some kind of closure. I guess if I'm really honest I'd have to say I'm scared….dredging up all those memories could set me right back….They're still so strong….my hands start shaking…my heart starts thumping so loud it feels like it's going to explode and I can't breathe. It's still so hard to hold everything together, now, after all this time. The smallest thing can send me spiralling. I want to do it…but I don't."

"It's a very hard decision Johnny but it's a decision you have to make. You have to trust your heart and make the decision that you can live with." Roy watched his friend think over his words.

"You're right…I will have to make a decision that I can live with…otherwise I'll never get better." Roy was glad he had chosen the right words. It was Chet who had said that Johnny will have to live with whatever decision he makes. He and Roy had talked that morning as Chet drove him to the airport. Roy would tell Johnny later that it was Chet who had thought of it.


	7. Chapter 7

After talking into the early hours of the morning, Roy found himself waking up late the next morning. He stretched and felt the house vibrate as another plane came in to land. If Johnny did come to LA where would he stay? His own home was too quiet, and he wouldn't trust leaving his friend with anyone else. Maybe they could set Johnny up somewhere near the ocean, close to the wedding reception. Roy was a little worried as to how his friend will cope with the trip to LA and how Johnny's friends will handle seeing him.

John was busy cutting the lawn when Roy emerged from the house. The older friend sat down on the deck and drank some coffee. When John finished, he made his way over to his friend.

"This is a first…me watching you cut the lawn." John snorted at Roy's comment.

"Sleep well?" John grabbed a bottle of water he had sitting in the shade.

"As a matter of fact, like a baby." Roy took another sip of his coffee ignoring his friend's smirk. "I am a little surprised that I slept so late."

"You must have needed it Pally." John patted Roy's shoulder. He frowned at the younger man's remark.

"Are you insinuating that I'm getting old?"

John shrugged his shoulders and took another sip of his water. He had a hint of a smile on his face. "Hmmm….watch yourself Junior."

John put his gardening gear away and headed into the kitchen. He brought out some fresh coffee and condiments. He then brought some freshly toasted fruit loaf to the table. The two friends ate.

"This is really good." Roy claimed still chewing.

"On one of my walks I found this little bakery that specialises in different breads. I try to buy a different kind of loaf each week, but this is my favourite."

"I can see why….so do you do a lot of walking?" Roy enquired, wanting to know as much as he could about his best friend's life in Denver.

"I go for early morning walks. When I wake up after a nightmare, I find it hard to get back to sleep. My mind just won't switch off so I go for a walk and it settles my nerves and calms me."

"Are the nightmares getting less?"

"They are, especially since I found out that…they…are behind bars. I haven't had one since Steve told me."

"That's really good Johnny. That has to be a step in the right direction." Roy was encouraged by this news.

"Yeah I think it is Roy. Another small step forward." John half smiled. "Doesn't stop me from waking up early…so I go for walks just to relax me and get me ready to face another day."

Roy lent forward and placed his hand on his friends arm. "Are you happy Johnny?"

"Yes I am Roy. I feel safe here. I'm contented here, I have the house to work on and a good job. I think this is as good as it will be for me." John turned his attention to another landing plane. He knew his life was pretty simple in comparison to his life in LA but that was another life, and this is his life now; simple and uncomplicated.

Roy couldn't help but feel saddened that his best friend had been reduced to such an unassuming life but Johnny was happy and that's all that mattered.

"Would you like to come down to the centre? Some of the younger guys are going to learn CPR. I thought you might like to meet some of them. They're a good bunch Roy, not very good at handling a screw driver or a saw but they make up for that with keenness." Roy smiled.

"I'd love to Junior."

"Aahh Roy…..don't call me that down at the centre….I'd never live it down." The two men rose, Roy slapped his friend on his back.

"Whatever you say Junior." John rolled his eyes. Maybe he shouldn't have said anything.

Roy spoke with Jack while John did the demonstration. He wanted to get the councillor's ideas on John making the trip to LA.

"I think he's ready to face some of his friends. The important thing is to not overwhelm him with too many at once and to make sure he is in control. That's very important."

"Let Johnny decide who he reconnects with." Roy thought about that. Johnny would probably only want to catch up with his closest friends.

"Did he talk to you about the upcoming trial?"

"Yes, he's still thinking about it but I have a feeling he'll make the statement. He mentioned something about giving this nightmare closure." Roy sighed.

"I know it's hard Roy to see your friend like this but you have to accept it. This is who John is now; he probably won't get much better than he is at this moment. You'll catch glimpses of the old John now and then but they will be only brief moments." Jack had seen long-time friendships slowly dissipate because the changes in the victim remained and the friend wanted it to be the way it was before.

"It is hard to accept that I won't see him smiling, whistling and walking up to me and saying 'Guess what Roy?'….but…..as long as he's happy and safe….that's what I want." Roy looked over at his friend. "He was very different person…..I never knew what he was thinking….he'd obsess over the smallest things….drive me crazy sometimes….he was so full of life."

"I see that sometimes especially when he's with them." Jack nodded to the small group; Johnny was getting Jason to do mouth to mouth. Manny was doing the compressions. "He feels more relaxed around them because they've been through what he has, so some of that spirit shines through. This is as good as it gets. John has been too traumatised; to be this interactive is a small miracle." Jack laughed when John told Jason to stop kissing the dummy.

Roy thought about Jack's words. 'This is as good as it gets.' A little part of his heart died when he finally accepted that the old Johnny was indeed gone forever. He felt his eyes burn and excused himself. Jack watched John's friend walk away, it had to be said, otherwise, Roy would not be able to move forward with John.

Roy sat on a seat outside the centre and finally allowed himself to grieve for his best friend, his brother. He realised he had been hoping the old Johnny would eventually come back. That was not to be, this simple, quiet and humble young man was now his friend and yes he could accept that. They were still best friends, nothing could change that.

John and Roy spent the next couple of days making arrangements for the trip to LA. Dixie was over the moon that Johnny had agreed to walk her down the aisle. John agreed to have his six month tests done by Dr Brackett. The doctor had also told John to not worry about the flight and accommodation; that he would take care of it all. Roy assured his friend that he would make sure that everything was suitable.

John also made his decision to give a written statement to the District Attorney. He asked Steve to personally deliver a letter to the judge. He wanted the judge to know how the victims felt after the assault and that putting these men away for the maximum time would give a lot of the victims not only closure but peace of mind knowing these men were no longer a threat to society.

The next four weeks flew by. John worked a couple of double shifts a week to make up for the time he was having off. He refused to be paid any overtime telling the supervisor that normal pay was enough. He didn't want to be the cause for the job falling behind schedule. The supervisor couldn't believe how dedicated this young man was to his job. His work ethics were rare to see these days.

On John's last day before leaving for LA one of his co-workers brought in a cake for morning tea. John was surprised; he didn't know that his friends would miss him around the site; that they had grown very fond and protective of their young friend.

"My wife made the cake…so it will taste good."

"Thanks guys." John smiled.

The supervisor spoke up. "We just want you to know that we'll miss you while you're away and to…well….hurry back." Everyone cleared their throats; these tuff men were not used to showing their feelings. John left that afternoon feeling good, knowing he had made the right decision moving to this city. His job and his home kept him calm and his friends accepted him the way he was.

John waited patiently at the arrival gates once again for his best friend. The activity and noise that surrounded him as always made him feel safe and calm. He had woken up very early that morning, his hands shaking and his stomach knotting. His early morning walk calmed him down somewhat but he knew he wouldn't be totally calmed until he heard his best friend's voice. He searched for his friend, ignoring the unknown faces that hurried past.

John was starting to panic. Where was Roy? The exiting passengers were thinning out. Roy was usually in the first wave of passengers.

Roy had been delayed by an airline employee. He wanted to confirm his return flight details and let the passenger know where they were sitting. "I really need to catch up with my friend." Roy knew Johnny would be getting nervous.

"Yes of course. Have a good flight sir."

Roy hurried down the walkway. All the passengers were gone. He ran to catch up with them. When he got nearer the gates, he could see his friend standing desperately searching for him. Roy quickened his pace, pushing past straggling passengers. He heard the shaky intake of a breath when his relieved friend saw him.

"I'm sorry Johnny, one of the airline people wanted to go over the details of my return flight." John forced a smile on his face, deep down he was panicking and his stomach was knotting. Roy sensed his friends ill at ease. "Hey…we've got just over an hours wait. Why don't you buy me breakfast?"

John took another deep breath. "Sure." Roy put his arm over John's shoulders and guided him towards their favourite café. Roy could feel the tension in his friend's body. He squeezed his shoulder trying to give his friend the reassurance he needed; that everything was going to be ok. In his pocket he had some prescribed pills from Dr Brackett; he was contemplating giving one to John to help him relax for the flight.

"It's so good to see you Johnny. How was your last week at work?" Roy tried to get John's mind thinking on other things rather than the anticipated flight.

"Work was fine." John gave his friend a glimpse of his crooked smile. "One of the guys brought in a cake. We had it for morning tea. I didn't realise they liked working with me so much."

"I do…..and I'm jealous. Since you've gone no one brings in treats like that to the station….not even me. Joanne still makes cakes but no extras for the station. You know what that means don't you?"

John shook his head not comprehending the meaning behind his friend's words. Roy smiled broadly. "That the cakes I brought in were for you…the rest of us didn't matter. I don't know what it is Junior….but only you can make someone else's wife bake a cake for you."

John slowly smiled and looked at his best friend. "I guess it's the Gage charm Pally." Roy's heart skipped a beat as he caught a glimpse of his old friend; for a fleeting minute he was Johnny Gage, his partner.

Roy was satisfied that Johnny was more relaxed, no longer worrying about the flight. He held off suggesting he take a pill, to relax him for the flight.

When the first calls for boarding went out, the two friends made their way towards the entrance. A steward approached them and asked them their names. Accepting their boarding passes they were guided down the passageway onto the plane. Once seated the steward gave them back their passes and wished them a good flight.

"Well that's service for you." Roy stated as he got more comfortable in his seat.

"Yeah. Maybe we should book all our flights through Brackett." John too got more comfortable. He took deep calming breaths. The plane was relatively quiet but as the passengers started to file in the noise level rose. John used it to calm his unsettled nerves.

As the last of the passengers found their seat, the plane was revved up. The loudness settled John. He turned his head and saw that Roy was watching him. "You ok?" The concern was evident in his friend's voice.

"I'm good Roy. I didn't sleep well last night so hopefully I can grab some now."

"Good idea. The flight will be over before you know it." Roy watched his friend close his eyes and lean back into the chair.

John felt a blanket of contentment cover him. Having his best friend next to him, watching over him, not only made him feel safe but gave him the courage to face LA and the memories.


	8. Chapter 8

John was awoken by the sounds of the beverages cart. Both men opted for coffee. John pulled a package from his backpack. He unwrap the foil; their noses were hit with the smells of freshly baked bread, with a hint of cinnamon. The two friends sat back and enjoyed their treat.

"I take it you went for one of your early morning walks." Roy stated between mouthfuls. Johnny nodded as he chewed. Roy contemplated asking for the reason for the walk, but, not wanting to spoil their moment of pleasure, he decided not to. John pushed the memory of waking up that morning to the back of his mind. There was plenty of time later to talk to Roy about his apprehensions.

The plane ride passed quickly and before they knew it they were landing. The steward from the first class section told John and Roy that they could leave the plane. They walked through the plane, everyone having been told to stay in their seats by the captain, and quickly exited. Johnny took a deep breath.

"Good to have that out of the way Junior?" Roy asked his friend as they made their way up the walkway.

"Yeah, but I knew I'd be alright. I had my best friend right beside me." Roy smiled, he so missed this man. He placed his arm around the younger man's shoulders and guided him up the walkway.

Chet had been waiting at the airport since he dropped off Roy earlier that morning. He was too keyed up to go home; staying at the airport kept it all real. His friend was coming home. He watched the two partners walk through the arrival gate, Roy's protective arm around Johnny's shoulders reminded Chet that his friend had finally made it to LA but that it had not been easy.

First thing he noticed about his friend was his thinness and short military style haircut. His friend looked much younger and vulnerable. Chet hid his concerns and smiled as his friends approached him. "Johnny, it's so good to see you man." Chet pulled his friend into an unaccustomed hug. John accepted it; aware from Chet's letters how much he genuinely misses his friend.

"It's good to see you Chet." The simple, low-key declaration was easily received. Chet knew how Johnny felt, through their letters and had learned to accept this quieter man.

"Where to first?" Chet asked as he climbed into the driver's seat of his AMC Javelin. He had the top down hoping that it would help his friend feel comfortable.

"I guess I should head for Rampart. Dr Brackett is expecting me." Johnny said as he settled into his seat. "Nice car Chet."

"Like I said I got a good deal on it. Chicks dig it." Chet wiggled his eyebrows. Johnny just smiled and then looked out the front window, not reacting. They made their way over to Rampart.

Johnny watched the familiar landmarks pass by. Memories of being in the squad with Roy flashed in his mind, the loss of that life hitting him hard. He felt his eyes burn behind his sunglasses. Even though he had come to accept his life in Denver, seeing the familiar scenery reminded him just how much he had lost because of the actions of five cruel, uncaring men. He tried to keep his emotions in check but was fast becoming overwhelmed.

Chet looked in his rear vision mirror catching Roy's eye. Roy lent forward and put his hand on his best friends shoulder, anchoring him. Johnny closed his eyes and allowed his friend's strength and calmness to bring his emotions under control. He was not alone and he was safe with these men.

Chet parked the car near the emergency entrance. Roy squeezed Johnny's shoulder. "You ok?"

"Just….just give me a minute." The siren from an ambulance approaching the hospital could be heard in the distance. "I'm ready, let's go."

Chet and Roy flanked their friend. Johnny took in the familiar smell and view of the ER. Staff and citizens were busily focused on their destinations, not noticing the trio entering the area. They walked towards the familiar nurses' desk. Dixie was going through a schedule chewing on her pen as she studied it.

She looked up as if sensing their approach. Her eyes met Johnny's and immediately misted. They hugged; Chet and Roy looked away not wanting to intrude on the reunion. Dixie cried her happiness of seeing this special man into his shoulder. Johnny felt his own eyes burning realising how much he missed this beautiful lady.

They parted. "I hope those are tears of joy Dix." Johnny said quietly.

"Of course they are. I'm so glad you're here." She kissed his cheek. "Thank you for doing this for me."

"What can I say Dix. It was worthwhile coming all this way just for the kiss." Dixie smiled, this new quiet unassuming man saddened her heart, but he was here, and that's all that mattered.

"Kel's in his office." She grabbed his arm and led him towards it. She turned her head, remembering Roy and Chet. "Why don't you boys grab some coffee in the doctor's lounge? There's a box on the counter labelled don't touch. Help yourself to the contents."

"Thanks Dix. I was wondering when you were going to notice us." Roy smirked. Dixie just winked.

Dixie knocked and the familiar deep gruff voice answered, "Come in."

Kel's eyes lit up when Dixie pulled the young man into his office. "Johnny, you made it." He quickly made his way out from behind his desk. They shook hands.

"Doc, good to see you. It's about time you made this lovely lady an honest woman." Dixie snorted.

"I've been trying for years. I think I wore her down."

"I am here." Declared Dixie.

"Oh…so you are." Kel replied dryly.

"I'll leave you boys to it." Dixie left the room after winking at Johnny. He briefly smiled his crooked smile, so brief she almost missed it. Her eyes started to cloud over as she left. 'How could anyone hurt this gentle man?' she thought.

"Take a seat Johnny." John sat down and watched Dr Brackett pull out his file. "I read through the doctor's notes and the results of his tests. He did a thorough job. I'll need to take some blood to redo certain tests."

"The doctor said that sometimes it takes longer for certain things to show up." Johnny told his friend.

"Yes, I'll also need to examine you to make sure your prostrate is ok and I understand one of your testicles was damaged." Dr Brackett was also concerned as to how thin the young man was.

"Ok. Can Roy be present during the examination?" He would feel better knowing his friend was by his side during the check-up.

"Of course Johnny….Whatever you want….You're in control here."

Johnny nodded. "Oh and thanks Doc for looking after things with the flight. I really appreciate the trouble you went to." Dr Brackett smiled at the quiet, reserved young man. There was no hint of the Johnny Gage he once knew and it pained him.

"I have to keep that fiancé of mine happy and if you're happy she's happy." Johnny quietly chuckled at the somewhat complicated relationship of his two friends. "Let's get this done."

Dr Brackett led Johnny to examination 4. He asked Dixie to get Roy to join them. He gave the young man a gown. Johnny looked around the room, he felt nervous. Roy entered the room and read Johnny's body language.

"Let's pull this curtain across and leave the door partly open." Roy took charge and set his friend up in an accustomed environment. Dr Brackett stood back and observed Roy's actions, as he gathered his instruments.

Johnny settled down on the examination table. He held onto Roy's arm as Dr Brackett got the prostrate and testicle examination over and done with first. He let his friend settle for a few minutes before taking blood. After it was all over he left the two friends alone and told them he would meet them in his office.

"I'm glad that's over. I hope everything comes back negative."

" I'm sure they will, you've been in good health, you haven't even had a cold." Roy reassured his friend. His thinness did worry him but he hoped it was a result of his friend's nervousness.

They made their way to Dr Brackett's office. "JOHNNY GAGE!" both men turned around. A paramedic from station 110, Tom Wheeler, walked towards them. "Where have you been hiding these days? One minute you were here next minute you were gone. The paramedics get too much for you?"

"No it was the smog Tom. This city became a little too polluted for me. Say hello to the guys for me." Johnny turned around and continued heading towards Dr Brackett's office. Roy walked alongside him. Tom furrowed his eyebrows.

"What's the matter Tom?" Dixie asked seeing the paramedic's reaction.

"He acted like I was nobody to him."

"Well….Johnny's a different person. This life here at the hospital is in his past. He has a new life." Dixie patted him on the shoulder and left the dumb founded paramedic standing in the hallway. He was not used to being ignored; he was usually the centre of attention. He eyed how thin the former paramedic was, and drew the conclusion that he was sick. By the time he got back to the station he had deduced that Johnny Gage was dying.

"Do you want me to come in with you?" Roy asked his friend before entering Dr Brackett's office.

"Yes Roy….Saves me having to repeat what Doc tells me." Roy smiled and put his arm, protectively around his friend's shoulders.

"Everything looked and felt fine. The results of your bloods will be back tomorrow…..Now with all that out of the way…..I guess you'd like to know where you're staying."

"I'm sure it will be fine if Roy has checked it out. He knows what I like." Johnny was feeling a little anxious. The unexpected meeting with Tom Wheeler had unnerved him slightly and the Doc's office was way too quiet for his liking.

Noticing his friend's hands shake slightly Roy decided to move things along. "We should get going. It's been a long day…I'm sure Johnny would like to freshen up and relax."

Dr Brackett understood and smiled. "Sure fellas….I'll let you get on your way. We'll see you tomorrow for your fitting." Johnny nodded and headed for the door; he opened it and let the hospital noise surround him. He turned back towards Dr Brackett and held out his hand.

"Thanks for everything Doc. I really do appreciate it." Johnny shook his hand.

"No thank you Johnny for making a very special lady happy. We've all missed you Johnny." Johnny nodded and walked with Roy to the doctors' lounge to collect Chet. Seeing the two men together reminded Dr Brackett of what the Paramedic Program had lost the day Johnny Gage left Los Angeles.

The apartment Johnny was staying in was right on the beach. The sounds of the continuous breaking waves filled the apartment. Once his young friend was settled in, Roy got Chet to drop him home. Chet was returning having opted to stay with Johnny during his stay.

Johnny used the time alone to do some breathing exercises. He sat on the balcony overlooking the ocean. He was back in LA. There was a time he honestly thought he'd never return, but, with the help of Jack and the reconnection with Roy, it was all made possible. He still felt nervous and knowing that the men who had changed his life were in the same town didn't help. The trial was due to start in two weeks.

Johnny let the ocean waves wash away the thoughts of 'them' and replaced those thoughts with the upcoming wedding and the reunion with the guys from station 51. By the time Chet returned, Johnny had unpacked and had started to put supper together.

The two men sat out on the balcony and enjoyed their meal of Joanne's lasagne with salad. "This is the life." Chet sat back rubbing his stomach feeling satisfied. Johnny quietly smiled. "What are you thinking about?"

"Oh I was just thinking about my home. I like the way you can walk into the wardrobe here. I was just thinking how I could build that into my room." Johnny watched the sun slowly decent.

"Tell me about your house." Chet wanted to make sure that their time spent together was positive. Talking about the past and what might have been was pointless, so he decided he was going to use this time to learn as much as possible about his friend's new life. They talked for a long time.

The next morning was spent getting the final preparations done for the wedding. Johnny was fitted for a white suit, with the old fashion styled longer coat. Roy, who was going to be the master of ceremonies, was fitted into a black suit.

Chet looked at his watch. "Nearly lunchtime…..Time to make our way over to the station."

"You ready for this Junior?" Roy knew his friend was nervous about seeing his old crew mates. He seemed to be continually battling with the old memories. "Remember, one step at a time."

Johnny nodded. "I know they'll be glad to see me but I'm still nervous about seeing them."

"I know you are….but remember what Jack said….take it slowly and relax. These are your friends….last thing in the world they would want to do is hurt you." Roy reassured Johnny hoping to calm him.

Johnny looked at his two friends. "Just in case I forget later, I want you both to know how grateful I am to have you guys as friends. You've put yourselves out for me…..thank you." Roy smiled and slapped Johnny on the back. Chet blinked away tears. This man had become a closer friend than anyone would know and here he was thanking him for being his friend. He was so thankful that Johnny had allowed him to be part of his new life.

They drove towards station 51 in relative silence. Chet or Roy would point out a new building here and there. When they arrived Johnny's mind was assaulted with flashes of his past life. They sat in the car allowing him to bring himself under control.

They entered the station; Johnny smiled when he saw the squad and engine. They made their way towards the kitchen. Johnny stopped and straightened his clothes. He was wearing black slacks with a crisp white button up short sleeve shirt. Roy and Chet let Johnny lead the way and control the pace.

When Johnny entered the kitchen six men looked up from the table. Cap was the first to react. "John…good to see you pal." He stood and shook his hand and then pulled him into a hug, slapping him on the back. Marco shook his hand.

The ever quiet Mike shook Johnny's hand and also pulled him into a hug. "It's good to see you Johnny. The station's not the same without you."

"Thanks Mike." Everyone noticed that Mike was more animated than Johnny.

Cap rubbed his hands together and introduced the lineman who was filling in for Chet. Johnny didn't need to be introduced to the paramedics. He already knew Gus and C Shift's Dwyer who was filling in for Roy. John just waved to them saying Hi.

"Looking good Gage." Dwyer commented, but was thinking the opposite. He thought the rumours may be right. The former paramedic looked sick, he couldn't get much thinner. Maybe it was true and he was dying.

The table was cleared and lunch was served. They sat around the table and talked about the upcoming wedding. Dwyer filled Johnny in on how Dr Brackett proposed to Dixie. The young man smiled and listened to the chatter. Just like friends before him, Cap was saddened that the young vibrant man had been reduced to this quiet reserved man sitting in front of him.

When the meal was finished Cap cleared his throat to make an announcement. "I know leaving the way you did was unavoidable John, and that's ok. We wanted to give you something to let you know that you'll always have friends here in LA who care about you. So with that said we'd like to give you this." Cap gave Johnny a present and Mike placed a cake on the table.

Johnny opened the package. Inside was a framed photo of all the guys standing around Cap's BBQ, smiling. They were wearing street clothes so there was nothing to remind him of his past life other than they were his friends. John looked up with watery eyes. "Thank you. I have just the place for this at home and each time I look at it I'll remember I have a family here in LA."

Roy put his arm on his best friend's shoulder. "This is great Roy."

"I'm glad you like it. No excuses not call now." Roy slapped him on the back. He accepted a piece of cake from Mike. They talked for a while but soon the klaxons were bellowing and the men were off to a call. The three remaining men cleaned up and made their way back to the apartment.

Roy stayed for supper, enjoyed the sunset with his best friend and talked. He allowed Johnny to express how he was feeling about being in LA and the upcoming trial, offering advice and reassurances. This helped his young friend relax. Roy left for home satisfied that his best friend was coping. The wedding was two days away.


	9. Chapter 9

The Defence Attorney got word that the District Attorney had a signed statement of a victim naming his client, Hammer. He put his best investigating officer on to the case to find out the identity of the victim. The investigator had friends all over the city which included the fire department. He was told about the rumours of one of their best paramedics suddenly disappearing six months ago and that he was now in town being looked after by Dr Brackett, because according to reports he was dying.

The reasons for the paramedic's sudden departure were sketchy but there was a hint that something bad had happened to him. He had bruises on his face on his last day of work and had resigned the next day.

The investigator was owed a couple of favours by some firemen. He called in one of those favours; a member of station 51 gave him the information he needed. He was able to give the Defence Attorney the name of who he thought was the victim and was able to add some useful information to his case. Knowing the case against his client was initially started by this victim by naming his client, the Defence Attorney set out to discredit him.

He hoped to discredit the initial investigation and then in turn prove that Hammer was made a scapegoat by offering lessor sentences to the two state witnesses. He wanted to imply that the case against his client was prejudice because he was disliked by the investigating officers and the state witnesses.

The big day had finally arrived. Dr Brackett and Dr Early were due to arrive around 10am. They were getting ready at the apartment Johnny was staying in. Roy was due around noon. Both Chet and Johnny went for an early morning walk along the beach. The younger man was constantly clasping his hands together to try to calm his nerves.

"What can I do to help you Johnny?" Chet felt angry inside that his friend had been reduced to this nervous man; a man who was forgiving and never hurt anyone.

"I just have to work it out for myself Chet. I'll be ok…..walking will calm me….it just takes time." Johnny assured his friend.

"I'm sorry what happened to you Johnny. It kills me inside to think those animals hurt you. I just wish it never happened."

"I know Chet….I don't know why they did what they did….Jack my councillor said it's to do with power….that the men who assaulted me hated their lives and jobs so to feel good about themselves and superior they degrade and humiliate their victims. I have to keep reminding myself that I lived through it and that I have a good life and not allow…them…to keep that power over me. It's a constant battle but each day gets a little easier. Small steps forward….That's the key Chet." Chet nodded and walked beside his friend admiring his inner strength.

"Well I don't know about you but all this walking is making me hungry." Chet patted his stomach. "Must be the salt air." Johnny smiled at his friend. They walked for another hour and stopped at a café on the beach for breakfast.

When Roy arrived at the apartment he found Johnny sitting out on the balcony looking across the ocean. Chet was sitting next to him reading the paper. Dr Brackett and Dr Early were in the kitchen preparing lunch. Dr Brackett had given Johnny the good news that all his tests came back negative.

Roy grabbed a soda and sat down on the other side of his best friend placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder. Johnny surprised him when he placed his own hand over his, closing his eyes and absorbing his former partner's calmness. Roy waited for his friend to open his eyes.

Chet watched the interaction from behind the paper. He envied the close friendship these two men had.

When Johnny finally opened his eyes, Roy smiled. "Did you go for a walk this morning?"

"Yes. Chet and I went for a long walk. I'm still a little nervous Roy."

"Well I can safely say that you have nothing on Dixie. I left Joanne and the kids with her. I've never seen her so flustered. She runs one of the busiest emergency departments in LA without batting an eyelid, yet getting married has her completely rattled. How's Brackett?"

"Grumbling about the tie Dixie is making him wear." Chet told Roy.

"At least he gets a tie. I have to wear a cravat." Johnny complains.

"You'll survive Junior." Roy was glad to see Johnny relax a little.

"What did you wear for your wedding Roy?" Chet kept the conversation going.

"Me…I wore my army dress uniform…." Johnny nodded remembering the wedding photos at Roy's house.

Dr Brackett and Dr Early brought lunch to the table. Showers were taken in turns and one by one the men emerged dressed in their suits. A limousine arrived to take the five men to the ceremony. It was a beautiful day. The sun shone and the water sparkled like diamonds.

Johnny waited for the bride to arrive. The car pulled up and the chauffer opened the door. Dixie looked stunning. The young man couldn't remember seeing her look more beautiful. He helped her from the car.

"Hello handsome." Johnny smiled at her endearment.

"You look beautiful Dix. I feel so honoured to walk you down that aisle. If you weren't marrying Doc I'd marry you myself." Dixie blinked back the forming tears.

Johnny held out his arm. The bride slipped her arm in his and whispered, "The honour is all mine." The music started and they were soon making their way down the aisle.

For a lot of the Rampart and Fire Department guests, it was the first time they had seen Johnny Gage since he left LA. A lot didn't hide their shocked faces when they saw this tall, thin, reserved man walking along side Dixie. Johnny didn't notice. He was too busy concentrating on walking this beautiful lady down to the man she loved.

The ceremony was simple. It wasn't long before Mr and Mrs Kelly Brackett were walking back down the aisle. Johnny was sitting between Roy and Chet in the front row. They made their way outside after everyone had moved out. This was going to be the hardest part of the wedding. Meeting up with acquaintances and enduring the questions; 'Where have you been?' 'Why did you leave?' 'Where do you live now?' 'What are you doing these days?'

Johnny for his part was very diplomatic. He skirted around where he now lived, just saying a city with cleaner air. Some of the Fire Department guests were a little frustrated with his answers, but Johnny just ignored their reactions and moved on. He had endured enough in his lifetime to not let these impolite people bother him.

It was one of the original paramedics, Stoney, who filled Roy in on the latest rumour about Johnny. "The latest is that Johnny is dying. Tom Wheeler started it. Said he saw Johnny entering Brackett's office and looked like he was on death's door."

Roy sighed, six months ago it was Johnny had gambling debts and owed a lot of money. "Why can't people leave him alone? He just wants to get on with his life without any fuss. I can't go into it, but something really bad happened to Johnny and he just can't live in this city. He's not the same man and people are just going to have to accept that."

"I'm sorry Roy. I just thought you should know what's being said. I like Johnny and I would never say or do anything to hurt him."

"I know." Roy patted Stoney on the shoulder.

Roy now understood why Johnny could never come back to live in LA. There would always be questions, reminders. His simple life in Denver, renovating his home, was the best thing for his friend. The deep scars will never completely heal, but at least his new life gave him the contentment to live with them.

There was just one more hurdle to get over and that was the trial. Roy had a bad feeling about the trial. Things never seemed to go smoothly for his young friend. He could only hope that the judge saw these men for who they are and gave them the maximum sentence. Only then would his friend feel safe and maybe feel at peace.

The next day Johnny and Chet relaxed around the apartment. Both were tired and a little drained from the previous day's event. While his friend was showering, Johnny went out to find a bakery to get some freshly baked bread. He had found himself missing Denver and the little things, like the bakery he called into each day on his morning walk.

LA was a tainted city and no longer appealed to him. Denver was smaller and still growing. It didn't have the problems on the scale that LA has, because of its smaller population. Johnny was looking forward to returning to Denver and his job. The only regret was leaving his friends behind. Seeing them all on this trip highlighted how much he was missing them.

Roy and his family joined Johnny and Chet for lunch. Johnny was leaving the next day. Over lunch Chet asked Johnny about the fire department in Denver. The younger man told his friend about Jason, and about how he had set him up to volunteer at the local station one day a week just to make sure it was what he really wanted to do. Chet was impressed.

Roy thought a volunteer system should be introduced to LA and might reduce the number of dropouts at the academy.

"You should suggest it Roy." Johnny said encouraging his partner to take the initiative. "When you think about it….lineman and rescue men get a taste of the paramedic program by helping out current paramedics….so only those who want to become a paramedic apply."

"You know….you might have something there Junior." Roy thought about what Johnny had just suggested.

"Did the local fire station mention if there were many openings, job wise?" Chet asked casually.

"Why? You thinking of moving to Denver Chet?" Roy said jokingly.

"As a matter of fact yes. Let's face it, you'll be moving on soon Roy and Mike takes his Captains exam at the end of the year. I just feel it's not the same. A change might be what I need." Roy noticed Johnny didn't react to Chet's announcement. He thought maybe Chet had been contemplating this for some time and had told Johnny in his letters.

"Roy, if it's alright with you, I'd like to travel to Denver with you and Johnny tomorrow. I've got another two weeks off and I'd like to check Denver out. Johnny's already said I could stay with him." Johnny shrugged his shoulders when Roy looked questionably at his friend.

"It's fine with me if it's fine with Johnny." Roy stated. Chet and Johnny's friendship was complicated. Roy wasn't sure if Johnny or Chet understood it.

The next day the three friends made their way to the airport. Roy had been picked up first followed by Johnny and Chet. The same arrangements had been made. Johnny was a little more relaxed since he was going home.

Both Chet and Johnny waited at the airport with Roy till he boarded his return flight. Johnny hugged his friend tightly. "I'll miss you Roy and thanks for everything. I couldn't have made this trip without you."

"I'm only a phone call away. I'll see you in a couple of months." Roy reluctantly walked through the departure gates. His best friend stood watching him leave looking slightly lost and vulnerable.

Chet was impressed with Johnny's home. He soon got used to the surrounding noise and his friend's habitual ways. His friend was the most relaxed he had seen him and he came to accept that this life he had made for himself was for the best.

Over the next week Chet got to know the city. He travelled with Johnny to work the next day and then used his pickup to look around. The following day he made enquiries at the Denver Fire Department and found he could quite easily transfer there.

The decision of moving to Denver became more appealing each day. Chet found himself getting up early and walking with his friend and enjoying his quiet company. He helped out around the house and went out with some of Johnny's work friends and experienced the night life. He found himself being accepted easily into the group just because he was a good friend of Johnny.

The day before Chet was due to leave; Johnny got word from the District Attorney that his name had been obtained by Hammer's Attorney. He was told about an investigator gaining inside information from the fire department. Chet promised to find out who it was and with his many contacts Johnny never doubted he would.

After dropping Chet at the airport John made his way over to the crisis centre. He told Jack about the phone call from the District Attorney. Jack contacted Steve asked him to find out what was happening and what the implications were.

That evening Jack called John and put Steve on the phone. "I spoke to my brother and he found out that the Defence Attorney for Hammer was looking to discredit everyone involved with the case. He guaranteed me that it was useless. Not only were the police officers involved in the case held in high regard in the LAPD but your reputation as a Fire-Fighter/Paramedic was exemplary. He's fighting a losing battle and has no case. Hammer is going down. He wanted me to tell you, that he has it on good authority, that the judge was deeply moved by your letter."

John thanked both Jack and Steve and felt a little calmer after the phone call. He called Roy. "Hello."

"Roy it's Johnny. I…I needed to talk to you." Roy could hear the panic in his best friend's voice.

"Johnny take a breath….What's wrong? Is it the trial?" He heard his friend take some deep calming breaths. Chet had told Roy when he picked him up from the airport, about the phone call from the District Attorney.

"I just spoke to Steve. His brother found out that Hammer's lawyer is trying to discredit everyone to do with the case. He told me that he won't win….that mine and the police officers reputations are exemplary. What worries me Roy is who spoke to that investigator and gave him my name."

"That's got me worried too, Junior but Chet will find out. You know what he's like. He's like a dog with a bone….never gives up. Just relax and not worry about it….let us worry about it. You ok there alone?"

"Yeah I feel safe here. I just want it to end and get some closure. It dredges up all the memories…" Roy could hear his friend becoming fretful.

"Hey come on….no steps backwards…remember? We only go forward. They're in jail and they're going to stay there. The memories are just that…memories…they can't hurt you unless you let them. You need to think about something else. Is it dark there?" Roy was trying to think of something his friend could do to keep his mind occupied.

"Yes just. I could put the lights on out back on the deck and sand back the table I picked up at a second-hand shop. You should see it Roy. Its solid oak and someone painted over it. I'm gonna sand it back and seal it. It will look great in the dining room. Then I'll look around for some chairs." Roy smiled into the phone. He had managed to get his friend's mind on something that brought joy to his heart. He listened to Johnny's plans and by the end of the call the trial and its insinuations were long forgotten.

Chet, through some digging found the fire department's source. He and Roy were shocked to find that it was one of their crew at station 51. Gus had seemed like a good guy but they soon found out that he had no loyalty for his work mates. He was asked to transfer by Captain Stanley that he couldn't be trusted and a crew could not work well under those conditions. Roy watched his so called partner leave. It took all his strength not to punch the man but he had learned from his best friend that violence never solved anything.

Chet heard a few days later that Gus had resigned because none of the other paramedics would work with him.

One week later Johnny received a phone call from Judge Wilton.

"I wanted to tell you personally that Hammer received the maximum sentence of twenty five years and that the other four men involved received twenty years each. Hammer received an additional fifteen years for his assault on you, the other four receiving the same. I want to thank you Mr Gage. It took a lot of courage to come forward and I am sorry that your life here in LA was taken away from you by these men. I hope you find what you're looking for in Denver, live a good life. God Bless You."

It was over. John felt all the terrible emotions from that night suddenly free him. Tears streamed down his face as a release; each tear representing a memory never to be thought of again.

Two months later Chet moved in with Johnny and joined the Denver Fire Department. He would live with his friend for eighteen months before getting married and moving into a home ten minutes away.

Three years later Johnny received a letter from Judge Wilton telling him that Hammer and two others from that night had been killed during a riot.

Johnny was relieved that society was free from these cruel men who had never shown any remorse. He picked up his tools and continued to work on the cradle he was making for Chet and his wife. Roy and his family were moving to Denver in two weeks; LA had become too violent. They wanted a better life for their kids. Roy missed his best friend and had wanted for some time to move to Denver.

Johnny watched a plane come into land and felt a calmness envelope him. He thought, 'This is as good as it gets.'


End file.
